Author: me

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Sick Days Test Me

Up until a few months ago, getting sick really tested me and I usually lost so to speak. I would fly into a blind panic, worried that my organs were failing as if the delirium triggered by my illness was just too hard not to drink. I have taken alcohol out of my life and have not cut myself in over month. This is the longest I have gone without causing harm to myself in some form and when the urges come up to cut, it is getting easier to get through it unmarked. So, back to the sick thing…this particular area is still quite a challenge for me. When you get sleep deprived, or really, deprived of anything, you start to get a little bit desperate in some way. Being sick brings out that desperation in me. The insecurities pop up, the sleep is weird and the worry about my health kicks in and combining this all the with the general feeling of being sorta out of it, makes for what feels like a test to me. I am incredibly uncomfortable right now mentally, but what is different now than a year ago is that I am recognizing that I am in a way being tested. This is all temporary and I must accept that being sick is not fun and that these looming emotions are just here for a while. Panicking will not help me, so I am keeping up on my nutrition and water intake, sleeping when I need to, NOT self-diagnosing on the internet, and allowing my mind to get a little mad right now.

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the road to good health

It is not easy, nor is it free.

I do not believe there is a finish line one crosses to move from being an unhealthy person to a healthy one.  It is a never stagnate scale in which our daily choices bring us closer to one side or the other.  For much of my life, I felt like to get rid of my OCD and things about myself I didn’t like, I needed to punish myself and dismantle my emotions.  I hid from the world because I didn’t believe I could handle it, but all the while, there was a spark in me that kept me fighting.  I will never stop trying to move toward a place of good health.  I believe to do this, I must honor myself, instead of punishing myself.  Expressing my emotions, especially the unpleasant ones, takes some practice, but it’s getting much easier.  Some days are not as easy, and I have learned that this is normal and to be expected.  I do not like these days, but I feel like they are getting less common and I am indeed reminded that most days I am very lucky.

Besides battling OCD, stopping myself from self harm is the hardest thing I have experienced.  Some nights, I simple cannot trust any thought that comes into my head and I am reminded of how OCD robbed my intuition from me.  Therapy has taught me to recognize the cognitive distortions when they arise which has helped me tremendously, and just like I fought OCD, I will continue to fight the urge to hurt myself.  I feel like my intuition is healing.

My chiropractor today asked me what motivates me to getup in the morning.  I had no desire to have a real conversation with him about it, so I said “work”.  I thought it was a funny answer.  Throughout the day I thought about this question and I think it’s actually a good one to ask yourself.

That spark that keeps me fighting is more real to me now than ever and as the denial fades, so does the confusion. I am following my heart and thus honoring my spirit.  I feel that although it will take time to work through my self-destructive habits, I have to focus on the the light which guides me ahead.  Long term goals highly motivate me to treat myself with compassion.  I want to go back to school to pursue naturopathic medicine, I want to travel, I want to nurture my relationships, and I want to surpass my supposed limitations.  Additionally, short term goals, like daily decisions move me in the direction of good health.

One day at a time.

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Dissociation and Depersonalization

I have had occasional occurrences of disassociation in my life, but it was not until the most recent and scary one that I felt prompted to ask my therapist about what was happening to my consciousness.

Disassociation describes an interrupted state of consciousness usually accompanied with a feeling of being detached from one’s emotions, body and/or immediate surroundings.  This is often a coping mechanism to deal with overwhelming experiences and is often seen in people responding to trauma, but sometimes it just happens.  A dissociative experience could be as common and casual as driving on auto-pilot.  You know, when you drive from point A to B and you really don’t remember the drive at all.  A more severe form of disassociation might involve fragmented emotions, multiple identities and a loss of the sense of self.

I remember day dreaming a whole lot as a kid.  I remember looking in the mirror on occasion and not recognizing myself or walking down the street feeling as though I was walking on the set of a movie in a haze.   I used to say I responded poorly in emergencies like when I started a small kitchen fire; I just stared blankly, completely frozen.  Really, I wasn’t dumb or responding poorly, I was checking out because it was too overwhelming for me.

Most recently I went to a yoga class.  I do not meditate as I would like to because it actually really stresses me out so yoga sounded nice, but I was nervous.  I breathed deeply during the class as instructed and felt incredibly irritated.  I do not know why, but when trying to relax in this capacity was making me upset.  Toward the end of class, I was exhausted and we laid on the floor in “corpse” pose.  I began to feel “out of it” and then my thoughts turned very dark, including suicide ideation.  I cried quietly and felt as though some other voice was talking in my head. I knew it was my brain, but I felt no sense of control.  I just listened to my cruel thoughts.

Class ended and I walked out in a daze, seeing the world in a fog.  I walked around passing people, staring them down because I thought I was invisible.  I got home and slowly came out back to my normal conciousness.

My therapist told me I had experienced depersonalization which is a type of dissociation with symptoms like what I had described.

As you might guess, I have been instructed by my therapist to avoid yoga and similar mindfulness based activities for now.  We are working on me becoming more comfortable with my mind so I can handle feeling emotions without “checking out”.  And that’s kinda how treatment works for this.  Treatment is dependent on the underlying condition so the therapist will decide the best course of action.

Disassociation can be a one-time occurrence or once in a while thing or its own disorder.  It can also be a prominent symptom in other non-dissacociative disorders like OCD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder and Depression.

 

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To Keep or Dismantle My Network of Vices

I have never considered myself to have an “addictive personality”; whatever that means.  For most of my life, I could take or leave alcohol, cigarettes and food, but more recently things have looked very different to me.  I wasn’t using the classic poisons to escape my emotions, but rather self-destructive habits like starving, cutting or casual sex to get out of my conscious.   I have also noticed that when I drink alcohol, a story of regret usually follows.   I do not know if this means I would be better off avoiding my vices or just dealing with it for the time being.  After all, cutting out alcohol, sugar, sex, smoking weed and self-harm sound like a lot.  Logically, I know that I need healthy ways to cope with my emotions, but I feel addicted to my tendencies and am intimidated by the work ahead of me.  I anticipate being alone for quite a while.

One step at a time I guess.

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Put the Knife Down (self harm topic – may be triggering)

i felt so much pain and if someone were to ask me what made me so sad, i dont think i couldve told them.  i didn’t really know exactly why…i just felt stressed, anxious and so sad.  “fuck it” and i went to go cut myself.  i went through all my prep and as i held the blade, i found my mind scrambling for reasons not to.  i saw the scars on my legs and though part of me wanted to add more, part of me didnt.  i always listen to the self destructive part of myself, but the next day i feel like shit and im sick of feeling this way.  i dont want to be depressed anymore.  i thought of my family and how they wouldnt want me to.  i thought of how i would soon want to wear shorts.  i thought of how my therapist told me he would never allow anyone else to hurt me and how it made him sad that i hurt myself because to him the act of harm by the self or someone else was the same.

i put the blade away and continued to cry.  i knew from therapy that this feeling would not last forever and decided i would try to tolerate it instead of harm myself.  logically i felt i might have made progress, but emotionally i felt confused.

ultimately i decided not to do it because i really want to get better.  i want to be successful in my career and my life.  i want to travel and have wonderful friends.  i want to fall in love.  i want to see the beauty in the world and feel a craving for adventure.  i know i cant have all this and harm myself too.  i cant have both because my dreams require the best of me.  they require my confidence, self love and self worth, and the self destructive coping mechanisms support none of this.

if i had gone through with it, i know it would not have meant i was a failure.  but there comes a point when a choice has to be made and i made that choice last night.  i know this means that i may cut again one day, but for the first time i proved to myself that i didn’t have to and that even though i feel wilted, there is hope.  an image i think about a lot is of a blade of grass growing through a crack of concrete.  if a little spark of life can bust through something so harsh, then i can too.

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OCD Gone

That’s right; it’s pretty much gone.  The illness that defined me and served as the source for much of my suffering is finally at bay.  I had tried everything (except SSRIs) and many things had helped, but not cured.  I actually did not believe OCD could go away.  Here’s what happened:

I went to a naturopath.  I had seen naturopaths before, but none like this.  In fact, I have seen quite a few medical professionals including your classic MDs, specialists, and alternative practitioners.  To me, I wasn’t on the east or west side of medicine, I just wanted someone, anyone, to help me.

I went to see this particular naturopath for my chronic systemic infections.  I was sick a lot and was told by my current doctors that all the tests had been done and there was nothing more to try, but I am not one to be content with that answer.  And when I say I was sick a lot, I’m talking not serious stuff, but enough to disrupt my life.  During my last quarter in college, I had gotten Whooping Cough twice, Strep Throat once, a Staph infection, a sinus infection, an ear infection, and countless UTIs and yeast infections.  This is why I dropped out of school; I physically was not healthy enough to tolerate the stress.

The naturopath informed me that I had a hormonal imbalance, high cortisol levels, food allergies, a fatty liver and imbalanced serotonin levels.  She told me to avoid certain foods, and to stop smoking pot.  She suggested progesterone cream and some supplements for my hormones.  She also prescribed a host of different supplements.  I followed every bit of advice she gave me to perfection.  That first week, I slept better than I had ever in my whole life.  I was able to get weed out of my routine in a few weeks.  After a month, I was a different person.  I felt calm, I was no longer compulsing and my brain was no longer obsessing.  I tried bringing some of the foods she told me to eliminate back into my diet, and I experienced very unpleasant results, which verified what she had said (not that I needed verification).

I still have my bad days, but the tools I learned in therapy are enough to help me cope with that.

What I have learned from this experience is that health most certainly does not come for free; it takes work.  I have also learned that to heal, one must heal the whole body.  We are a balanced system and if one thing is off, who knows where the symptom might pop up?

I believed that if my OCD would just go away, I would be unstoppable, or at least that my life would be infinitely better.  My life is much better, but I am facing a different set of challenges.  Though the OCD caused a lot of my pain, it was not the source of all my pain.  The OCD is a symptom of even more shit I need to work through.

So, I am in therapy again.

When my OCD was at it’s worst, I wanted nothing more than for it to leave me alone.  Now, I want more…. to be happy.

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Update: What a mess

It’s been a while and I keep thinking of reasons why I’d write later, but there is no good time like the present!  A lot has been going on.  In a future post I will write about how my OCD has mostly cleared up.  I thought this was impossible.  With such severe OCD, I really thought it could be managed, but not cured.  I am unbelievably grateful for this.

I have recently moved out on my own.  I have never lived on my own so it’s quite exciting, but lonely at times.  My husband and I broke up, so hence the move.  He is a person with many lovely qualities, but also some destructive and incompatible issues so, it was time.

I started self harm again and couldnt be more upset about it.  I also have a new therapist and therapy is very difficult, but very helpful in that I feel a strong connection with my therapist.  He challenges me to question that which I’d rather not.  It’s going well.

I have been quite depressed lately, and my self esteem has gone from ok-ish to non-existant.  I know it will take some time for things to get better, I just hope and will strive to not make as many stupid decisions until then.  I am hoping though, that without the OCD, my options are now more available to me like going to school or traveling.  One thing that my last therapist had me do was to think of all the things OCD took from me.  I listed off things like being in school, traveling, visiting my family… It wasn’t until I thought about it that I got the motivation to really change my life.  It made me upset to think of what I was missing out on, but I also knew it didn’t have to be that way.

A lot of people ask me what else they can do besides therapy, either due to finances or a lack of trust for therapy.  Therapy helped me greatly, but it’t not the only option.  Not one thing works for everyone.  And, that’s what my blog is about…trying stuff and seeing what works.

So, at this moment I am sitting here with strep throat (ow), but am excited to share my story of how I got my OCD under control.  Till then, take care.