Put the Knife Down (self harm topic – may be triggering)

i felt so much pain and if someone were to ask me what made me so sad, i dont think i couldve told them.  i didn’t really know exactly why…i just felt stressed, anxious and so sad.  “fuck it” and i went to go cut myself.  i went through all my prep and as i held the blade, i found my mind scrambling for reasons not to.  i saw the scars on my legs and though part of me wanted to add more, part of me didnt.  i always listen to the self destructive part of myself, but the next day i feel like shit and im sick of feeling this way.  i dont want to be depressed anymore.  i thought of my family and how they wouldnt want me to.  i thought of how i would soon want to wear shorts.  i thought of how my therapist told me he would never allow anyone else to hurt me and how it made him sad that i hurt myself because to him the act of harm by the self or someone else was the same.

i put the blade away and continued to cry.  i knew from therapy that this feeling would not last forever and decided i would try to tolerate it instead of harm myself.  logically i felt i might have made progress, but emotionally i felt confused.

ultimately i decided not to do it because i really want to get better.  i want to be successful in my career and my life.  i want to travel and have wonderful friends.  i want to fall in love.  i want to see the beauty in the world and feel a craving for adventure.  i know i cant have all this and harm myself too.  i cant have both because my dreams require the best of me.  they require my confidence, self love and self worth, and the self destructive coping mechanisms support none of this.

if i had gone through with it, i know it would not have meant i was a failure.  but there comes a point when a choice has to be made and i made that choice last night.  i know this means that i may cut again one day, but for the first time i proved to myself that i didn’t have to and that even though i feel wilted, there is hope.  an image i think about a lot is of a blade of grass growing through a crack of concrete.  if a little spark of life can bust through something so harsh, then i can too.

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8 thoughts on “Put the Knife Down (self harm topic – may be triggering)

  1. Dear Jbritz,

    The beauty of your soul blooms so beautifully to this world. And the beauty of all that you are falls across my heart and soul with such beautiful blooms. My fondest hope for you is that you be blissfully happy and that you realize all of your dreams in life. You are an inspiration to us all.

    Love,

    Nicky

  2. I am really glad that you were able to do what is best for your body and your mind. I know it’s tough and sometimes all you want to do is just stop fighting and give in, but I am glad that you stuck with it and took care of yourself. Keep up the good fight 🙂

    • Thanks Kendra. It is very hard to resist in those moments…..like right now, when i dont want to, its so easy to think i won’t ever again, but then its like an addiction that strikes me. but i am going to keep fighting. take care!

  3. @jbritz, very poetic, you right well. Ive never had the self harm thing, I was thinking today how nice it is to think of outwardly stuff like anything really. Im in the middle of a major thinking through thing where i have made loads of notes and a spreadsheet with all my fears on, ive actualy forgott what it is that I’m trying to prove to myself. Typical ocd ish eh! I did try telling myself I dont have ocd but it didnt stop me wanting to do the crazy stuff so I gave up with that lol. I think thinking about other stuff helps or talking to other people can help a bit by breaking the thinking about oneself cycle. Its definately getting slightly easier as i get older thats one positive, I can socialise better than in the past.

  4. I did get diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but i’m not really sure what to do about them, I think I actually let a lot of people get away with being mean to me but its all just so complicated to think about i’d rather just worry about my ocd but maby i need to get in touch with ma feminine side lol but i don’t know if that would get rid of my ocd and i think if i think how i feel all the time i would go nuts. Best to just distract myself, I know im not an evil person anyway and am sensitive, but if i was interogated I was thinking I probably could make out I was evil just for the attention or the heck of it but im quite a caring person and not evil.

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