And do I really want it to?

It took me a really long time to find the courage to go to therapy. I was hopeless that it could help, nervous about how hard and embarrassing it would be, and uncertain I wanted to lose such a huge part of my identity.

These thoughts reaffirmed what I had known all along, that I was not worth it. So, when I finally sat in that ever so slightly therapist’s chair, I felt pretty desperate. My goal which took awhile to cement was to learn enough tools to function in the really world and maybe even be a little happy.

That was 10 years ago. I think long enough for me to answer this question and the answer is more than a “yes” or “no”

I have learned that my OCD is not a mysterious syndrome or infection, that just attacked me and then got cleared. Rather, it was a predisposition. I was always an anxious kid, nervous by nature. OCD was always a risk and it expresses itself when the conditions allowed. The conditions of my body do not currently allow for it. This means that I’m better able to tolerate stress, I continue to work on my self esteem, eat well, sleep well and do all the things I need to support what I’m also predisposed to….peace.

My OCD could come back if conditions change; that’s a possibility. That idea really scared me the first 3 years following my symptoms ceasing, but now because I can see how far I’ve come and the beautiful and powerful person I have become. Power is different from control; control is about holding on to fear and power is about letting go.

So, regarding OCD and wether or not it can be cured? I don’t really look at it that way. I think what matters is believing that your life can be different and you are worth it.

Stay strong my friends.