Facing the Future

I dropped out of school because it was too hard.  The work was not hard, nor was the knowledge beyond my understanding, but school is a trigger for me, as I’m sure it is for a lot of people, and I could not deal with it.

I felt disappointed in myself that I left school and tried to accept I could not have the career of my choice.  Telling my family I failed was not easy.  My family was supportive, acknowledging my success in trying.  I started therapy shortly after.

I have been in therapy nine months and seeing change in how I handle and see my life has been phenomenal. Before therapy, I had given up on my dream, I avoided triggers, I escaped my pain and in essence lived with a dim light.

I was managing though.  I had marijuana and kava and a bunch of other tricks that helped.  I still utilize these home remedies at times, but not nearly as much.

The changes I have seen in myself have been so rewarding I have since decided to go back to school.  This decision was pretty difficult because I still had to ask myself if throwing myself into a known trigger was worth it, but that’s just it!  It will be challenging, but the time has come for me to not be a slave to mind anymore.  For so long I thought my mind hated me, but now I see that OCD is just one facet of my life.  I have other qualities like intelligence that I have stiffled in an attempt to escape my mind.  I’ve learned that embracing my mind means embracing all of what goes on in my head.  Of course this does not mean that I now love having OCD; it means that I no longer see it as threatening, and when OCD gets a grip on me, I use the tools from therapy and don’t let that stop me from achieving what I really want in life and to finally see what the full potential of my mind is.

I’m used to living in fear, anxious all the time, nervous by nature.  I’m not “cured”, but things are getting better and of course I have more work to do.  But, I’m brave enough to live a full life.  Seeking therapy was the scariest and best decision I made to better my life.  My husband has helped me immensely, never losing faith in my abilities.  I’m grateful for him every day.  My therapist has saved me in so many ways; the biggest way was showing me that I did not have to live in the dark anymore and that I was strong enough to live in the light.