Update: What a mess

It’s been a while and I keep thinking of reasons why I’d write later, but there is no good time like the present!  A lot has been going on.  In a future post I will write about how my OCD has mostly cleared up.  I thought this was impossible.  With such severe OCD, I really thought it could be managed, but not cured.  I am unbelievably grateful for this.

I have recently moved out on my own.  I have never lived on my own so it’s quite exciting, but lonely at times.  My husband and I broke up, so hence the move.  He is a person with many lovely qualities, but also some destructive and incompatible issues so, it was time.

I started self harm again and couldnt be more upset about it.  I also have a new therapist and therapy is very difficult, but very helpful in that I feel a strong connection with my therapist.  He challenges me to question that which I’d rather not.  It’s going well.

I have been quite depressed lately, and my self esteem has gone from ok-ish to non-existant.  I know it will take some time for things to get better, I just hope and will strive to not make as many stupid decisions until then.  I am hoping though, that without the OCD, my options are now more available to me like going to school or traveling.  One thing that my last therapist had me do was to think of all the things OCD took from me.  I listed off things like being in school, traveling, visiting my family… It wasn’t until I thought about it that I got the motivation to really change my life.  It made me upset to think of what I was missing out on, but I also knew it didn’t have to be that way.

A lot of people ask me what else they can do besides therapy, either due to finances or a lack of trust for therapy.  Therapy helped me greatly, but it’t not the only option.  Not one thing works for everyone.  And, that’s what my blog is about…trying stuff and seeing what works.

So, at this moment I am sitting here with strep throat (ow), but am excited to share my story of how I got my OCD under control.  Till then, take care.

6 thoughts on “Update: What a mess

  1. Hey, thanks for sharing your story. You’re very brave! What brought me to your blog was the entry you wrote on OCD and hormonal imbalance. I think I am also expericing the same thing…I’ve been treating myself with natural supplements for the past 2 1/2 mo with a lot of relief, more than I imagined. Im still improving, but have come a long way. I started with progesterone cream last month for irregular cycles, and that reduced a good amount of my chronic depression and anxiety. Since yesterday I’ve started inositol, 5htp, b6, spirulina, and (calcium, magnesium and zinc) along with vitamin d. I haven’t gotten a chance to notice any disruptions in my cycles while on progesterone cream and 5 HTP, I haven’t taken them at once together.

    I hope all is well

    • @Harmony: I am so glad to hear that the natural stuff is helping you get better! That’s awesome! Thank you for stopping by my blog to let me know about what you’ve been trying. Take care!

  2. Hey,
    Of all the blogs/ OCD sites available out there, I always seem to find my way back to this one. You have an amazing presence through both your writing and your videos, and you seem like such a sweet person.

    I’m glad to hear your OCD is practically non-existent. I’ve barely been showing symptoms myself (you’ve had a lot to do with that, believe it or not).

    I’m sorry to hear about you and your husband. Making significant changes like that, plus moving, can be difficult for anyone. It can also be a perfect time for OCD to strike. I know my OCD hit hard after losing my job, my car, all of my money, and my home (I was faced with being homeless and wasn’t sure I would even have a place to live). I know that won’t happen to you; I can tell you are a strong person 🙂

    Never give up. Judging by your posts, you have come so far and I’m rooting for you!
    ps: Has anyone ever told you that you could be a model? Good luck Julia, and take care.

    • @Chris: Thank you for your message! That certainly brightened up my day a bit! 🙂 I’m glad to hear that your OCD has mostly cleared up as well! That’s a big deal! And I’m very happy to know that anything I might’ve written has helped you in some way. Thanks for stopping by to message me!

      Stay strong!

  3. If this is too personal I absolutely understand, but what ended your relationship with your husband? It seems as though the separation and subsequent move were very sudden. Was your (or his) need to leave related to your OCD? I apologise, I’m just going through something too and I’m trying to analyse…or even understand what’s going on in my head and what’s happened. Are you and your husband still getting on? Are you trying to sort it out? Do you have close mates to turn to? Have you lost friends in the past because of your OCD? I feel everything is so out of control and just so alone. I don’t know. Hopeless, I suppose. How do you go about mending relationships with lovers and old friends? I don’t know what to do. I’ll take any advice.

    • Hi Chloe,
      I do not mind answering those questions. The answers are personal, but I will be honest about it because hopefully it might help.

      My ex-husband and I met when I was 19 and when my OCD was getting really bad. I needed someone to save me. I had a great friendship with him and we cared about each other a lot. As I was looking for someone to take care of me, he was looking for someone to take care of. We both had our own reasons, though not entirely conscious to them at the time. He was very supportive of my OCD and I am very grateful for that. It seemed as though a lot of our relationship was based around my OCD. So, when my OCD was all but alleviated, things started to change. I felt like I was a soldier back from war (not a great analogy, but o well) still hiding from attacks even though I was no longer on the waging front. I was let out of my mental prison, which I thought would make me happy and it did to some degree, but I was having trouble adjusting to a life I had never lived before. I started to hate everything because I was reminded me of OCD from the way I arranged my clothes, to the pictures on the wall to the food in my fridge. I resented how little life I had lived and I felt confused. A therapist said “you are going through a transition. Much a like a person who really wants a divorce and gets one is happy, they still have to adjust to life as a single person which can be lonely and hard”. I think she was right because I am so happy and grateful now, but I really struggled with my identity for a while. And back to my ex-husband: without the OCD, our dynamic had dramatically changed. I no longer needed him to take care of me and since our relationship was pretty much based on that, a connection was not really there. So, in that way, the OCD did affect our relationship, just not in the way I would have thought. It was kind of a long time coming, but my OCD mostly cleared up in about a month, which was the catalyst for everything. We left on good terms, but have no intention to get back together. I moved to a new city around the same time so I am making new friends as well as spending time with some old ones. I actually feel like I am having an easier time with friendships now. I still have my OCD days and some of my close friends know, but I do not tell everyone. I am also finding support with others who are going through similar issues to me. I go to an OCD group which I like.

      As far as mending relationships with old friends and lovers, I would say it all depends. Was it something you did or something they did? Was it something that you THINK you did? I feel like OCD makes many of us apologize way too much and feel bad about things we didn’t do. The truth is that there are people out there that understand and will be ok with the OCD. We second guess ourselves, “is this a real thing that is bothering me, or am i just thinking about it too much because of my OCD and really everything is ok?” What I have learned about relationships and OCD is that control is a big deal. We try to control our OCD and our emotional response to it. Additionally, we sometimes try to control other’s emotional response too. For example, “i know it bothers you, even if you say it doesn’t!” If someone says they are ok with the OCD, respect their emotions and trust them. I know its hard, but I think it helps.

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