An Honest Attempt

Since starting therapy, I have been so emotional.  I didn’t cry last session though which made me feel proud that I’d kept it together, but when I got home I felt like shit.  This showed me that suppressing the urge to cry is worse than crying.   I am going to do my best to explain this honestly.

I am not as “ok” as I thought.  The truth is that there are times when I’m feeling a little better and times when I feel hopeless.  My recent posts have indicated that I have tried and found treatments that work for me, but the deal is that although they help, they didn’t cure.  Pot really is the best sleep aid I’ve tried and shrooms did  bring me off the ocd ledge quite a bit, but I am just now learning that my coping mechanisms are not going to save me and that I’ve got to work through this myself.

I don’t write this to erase the opinions I’ve expressed about certain treatments, but rather to stop suppressing the feelings i have, even if i dont enjoy feeling them.

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one year update

its been a year since i started this, so here is what im thinking as of now.

i still use pot nightly. it helps me calm down immensely. i use ativan when i travel or when i really am going crazy and that is still effective.

i recently decided to get therapy. i have indicated in my previous post about CBT, that i had little interest in it, but what changed for me was school. i decided to go back to school to become a psychiatric nurse to help others with ocd. i started community college and from the start to the end of the quarter, i got sick. i got a sinus infection, ear infection, yeast infections, staph infection and a cold. perhaps stress had something to do with it. my ocd got out of hand. it occurred to me that there is no way i can help anyone when i cant even take care of myself. i still have no interest in SSRIs, so therapy seemed like it. shrooms helps so i think ill give that a go again, but im further from calm than i thought.

i found a therapist and man, was she a bitch. she laughed at my stories of panic attacks. she triggered my ocd by a surprising amount of commentary. i found another therapist who i trust so far. i really like him. he diagnosed me with severe ocd and moderate-severe general anxiety disorder. he asked if i wanted to do CBT or ACT. i chose ACT.

first session is tomorrow. my dreams have been fucked up this week. i have hope.