Cutting Revisited

The “want” to stop cutting that walked me into my therapist’s office was gone.  I no longer had the conviction needed to help me win this fight to stop cutting, so I just stop caring.  I started cutting again after months of not when I got deeply depressed a couple months ago.  After I slid into old maladaptive habits, I felt hopeless that I could ever really change.  What was the point?  And that’s the thing, to stop cutting, the person has to want to stop. My last therapy session helped bring me back and I want to share the change that took place.

I explained to my therapist how I was struggling to feel emotions.  I was once such an empathic person and now, even in the direct presence of someone’s intense pain, I felt nothing.  Times when I was aware I should be feeling something, there was nothing.  Completely numb, not even a hint of anything.  Even cutting did not give me the same relief it once did.  Not all the time, but it was becoming more frequent and it was bothering me because although I do not like feeling stressed or depressed, I missed feeling passion and zest.  My therapist said:

“If you numb yourself out to pain, you also numb yourself out to passion.  It is no coincidence that since you have started cutting again and with more frequency that you are starting to feel numb.  If you keep cutting, you can expect to feel less and less”.

I cried because I started to see the desire I had lost.  I wanted to feel.  I think I could not keep it going before because my reasons for quitting were dependent on external factors.  This time, I was quitting for me.  As much as I do not enjoy feeling certain things, I want to enjoy life and feel passion for it.  I want to feel and I want to stop self harm.