It is not easy, nor is it free.
I do not believe there is a finish line one crosses to move from being an unhealthy person to a healthy one. It is a never stagnate scale in which our daily choices bring us closer to one side or the other. For much of my life, I felt like to get rid of my OCD and things about myself I didn’t like, I needed to punish myself and dismantle my emotions. I hid from the world because I didn’t believe I could handle it, but all the while, there was a spark in me that kept me fighting. I will never stop trying to move toward a place of good health. I believe to do this, I must honor myself, instead of punishing myself. Expressing my emotions, especially the unpleasant ones, takes some practice, but it’s getting much easier. Some days are not as easy, and I have learned that this is normal and to be expected. I do not like these days, but I feel like they are getting less common and I am indeed reminded that most days I am very lucky.
Besides battling OCD, stopping myself from self harm is the hardest thing I have experienced. Some nights, I simple cannot trust any thought that comes into my head and I am reminded of how OCD robbed my intuition from me. Therapy has taught me to recognize the cognitive distortions when they arise which has helped me tremendously, and just like I fought OCD, I will continue to fight the urge to hurt myself. I feel like my intuition is healing.
My chiropractor today asked me what motivates me to getup in the morning. I had no desire to have a real conversation with him about it, so I said “work”. I thought it was a funny answer. Throughout the day I thought about this question and I think it’s actually a good one to ask yourself.
That spark that keeps me fighting is more real to me now than ever and as the denial fades, so does the confusion. I am following my heart and thus honoring my spirit. I feel that although it will take time to work through my self-destructive habits, I have to focus on the the light which guides me ahead. Long term goals highly motivate me to treat myself with compassion. I want to go back to school to pursue naturopathic medicine, I want to travel, I want to nurture my relationships, and I want to surpass my supposed limitations. Additionally, short term goals, like daily decisions move me in the direction of good health.
One day at a time.
I’m glad to see that you are continuing to push yourself to move up and onward. Anxiety disorders are no joke and overcoming the issues that come along with them is a journey rather than a finish line.
I really enjoy your blog and video blog. I’ve recommended your videos to people on OCD forums in the past. Thank you for taking your struggles and channeling them in a way that is helpful to others!
It is indeed a journey and not a joke. I’m so glad you enjoy my blog and videos. I try to help others suffering with this as much as I can because I believe that we are not alone and it helps to be reminded of that sometimes 🙂
Nice one, I like how you talk of the soul lol, me I dont beleive in it but Im glad you do. All I think about is being ashes or even worse a pile of bones in the claustrophobic ground. I beleive Im a good person and would help others as much as I can but Im not one to think how Im feeling because I would go crazy and probably never talk to anyone or do anything and in a way I like being down XD.
being a social being i feel people have many apprehensions to discus such personal matters but people like you are real and worthy examples to those who not only throw light on such matters but also tell way to improve upon them……. really glad to see such posts and all the best in all your efforts
Rachel, Thanks for your message Rachel! I am so happy to help if I can 🙂