It is not easy, nor is it free.

I do not believe there is a finish line one crosses to move from being an unhealthy person to a healthy one.  It is a never stagnate scale in which our daily choices bring us closer to one side or the other.  For much of my life, I felt like to get rid of my OCD and things about myself I didn’t like, I needed to punish myself and dismantle my emotions.  I hid from the world because I didn’t believe I could handle it, but all the while, there was a spark in me that kept me fighting.  I will never stop trying to move toward a place of good health.  I believe to do this, I must honor myself, instead of punishing myself.  Expressing my emotions, especially the unpleasant ones, takes some practice, but it’s getting much easier.  Some days are not as easy, and I have learned that this is normal and to be expected.  I do not like these days, but I feel like they are getting less common and I am indeed reminded that most days I am very lucky.

Besides battling OCD, stopping myself from self harm is the hardest thing I have experienced.  Some nights, I simple cannot trust any thought that comes into my head and I am reminded of how OCD robbed my intuition from me.  Therapy has taught me to recognize the cognitive distortions when they arise which has helped me tremendously, and just like I fought OCD, I will continue to fight the urge to hurt myself.  I feel like my intuition is healing.

My chiropractor today asked me what motivates me to getup in the morning.  I had no desire to have a real conversation with him about it, so I said “work”.  I thought it was a funny answer.  Throughout the day I thought about this question and I think it’s actually a good one to ask yourself.

That spark that keeps me fighting is more real to me now than ever and as the denial fades, so does the confusion. I am following my heart and thus honoring my spirit.  I feel that although it will take time to work through my self-destructive habits, I have to focus on the the light which guides me ahead.  Long term goals highly motivate me to treat myself with compassion.  I want to go back to school to pursue naturopathic medicine, I want to travel, I want to nurture my relationships, and I want to surpass my supposed limitations.  Additionally, short term goals, like daily decisions move me in the direction of good health.

One day at a time.