i felt so much pain and if someone were to ask me what made me so sad, i dont think i couldve told them. i didn’t really know exactly why…i just felt stressed, anxious and so sad. “fuck it” and i went to go cut myself. i went through all my prep and as i held the blade, i found my mind scrambling for reasons not to. i saw the scars on my legs and though part of me wanted to add more, part of me didnt. i always listen to the self destructive part of myself, but the next day i feel like shit and im sick of feeling this way. i dont want to be depressed anymore. i thought of my family and how they wouldnt want me to. i thought of how i would soon want to wear shorts. i thought of how my therapist told me he would never allow anyone else to hurt me and how it made him sad that i hurt myself because to him the act of harm by the self or someone else was the same.
i put the blade away and continued to cry. i knew from therapy that this feeling would not last forever and decided i would try to tolerate it instead of harm myself. logically i felt i might have made progress, but emotionally i felt confused.
ultimately i decided not to do it because i really want to get better. i want to be successful in my career and my life. i want to travel and have wonderful friends. i want to fall in love. i want to see the beauty in the world and feel a craving for adventure. i know i cant have all this and harm myself too. i cant have both because my dreams require the best of me. they require my confidence, self love and self worth, and the self destructive coping mechanisms support none of this.
if i had gone through with it, i know it would not have meant i was a failure. but there comes a point when a choice has to be made and i made that choice last night. i know this means that i may cut again one day, but for the first time i proved to myself that i didn’t have to and that even though i feel wilted, there is hope. an image i think about a lot is of a blade of grass growing through a crack of concrete. if a little spark of life can bust through something so harsh, then i can too.