Sick Days Test Me

Up until a few months ago, getting sick really tested me and I usually lost so to speak. I would fly into a blind panic, worried that my organs were failing as if the delirium triggered by my illness was just too hard not to drink. I have taken alcohol out of my life and have not cut myself in over month. This is the longest I have gone without causing harm to myself in some form and when the urges come up to cut, it is getting easier to get through it unmarked. So, back to the sick thing…this particular area is still quite a challenge for me. When you get sleep deprived, or really, deprived of anything, you start to get a little bit desperate in some way. Being sick brings out that desperation in me. The insecurities pop up, the sleep is weird and the worry about my health kicks in and combining this all the with the general feeling of being sorta out of it, makes for what feels like a test to me. I am incredibly uncomfortable right now mentally, but what is different now than a year ago is that I am recognizing that I am in a way being tested. This is all temporary and I must accept that being sick is not fun and that these looming emotions are just here for a while. Panicking will not help me, so I am keeping up on my nutrition and water intake, sleeping when I need to, NOT self-diagnosing on the internet, and allowing my mind to get a little mad right now.

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