I used to be good at distracting people from my embarrassing compulsions and nervousness. I hated people asking me if I was nervous; I did not want to draw attention to my crazy brain. I guess I also did not want my mood to inconvenience anyone. I would talk really fast in hopes people would focus on what I said and not what my fidgetty hands were doing. I smiled all the time, even when sad, to throw people off. I smiled so much, it’s habit to do it at the “wrong” times even if it’s stupid like when a security guard tells me to move. I don’t talk as much and I think it’s because much of my anxiety is gone and my brain isn’t moving a mile a minute. The problem is, I still smile.
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OCD – School
OCD has been known to show its ugly head for many in their early 20s. For whatever reason, this is the age where a lot of people who have been mostly fine until then, start to have their symptoms triggered. I believe one reason why is school. Maybe not, but it sure doesn’t help. Recently stories have surfaced about how students are more stressed now than ever before. In addition to the stress from teachers and studying, there is just no time for fun, relaxing, or exercising. It’s a time where part time jobs seem like a break from the chronic pressure.
Many of us with OCD have developed compulsions and avoidance behavior, and school often times seems like it is simply not an option.
So, wether you are in school or about to start, here are some things to consider:
It is absolutely possible to be successful in school. OCD sufferers are often very intelligent and find that it’s not so much the work that is too hard, but the OCD. The key is to get OCD under YOUR control. This means finding strategies that work. Therapy and exercise are good examples of this. Making time for yourself will be crucial.
Do not take more classes than you can handle. Reducing the workload and thus the stress can help.
Talk to your teachers or your counseling department. Letting them know about what is going on may take some of the pressure off. I was always late to class because I was busy compulsing. I could not do certain assignments and I did things in class that looked downright odd. Letting them know helped them to help me. However, be prepared that not all your teachers will be gems of understanding light. I had one teacher who was just mean.
Lastly, remember that school does not define who you are or how successful or happy you will be. If it is something you really want, make it happen.
ACT – Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
I was absolutely terrified to begin therapy. O man, was I pulling out every excuse in the book to avoid it. I thought it wouldn’t work, that CBT would be painful with short term results, and that the fear of exploring my mind would be too intense.
In an effort to avoid therapy, and still get some help, I talked to a school counselor about some tricks she might have in terms of coping with stress. I explained about my OCD and she told me simple stress reduction exercises weren’t going to help me and she recommended I try exposure therapy. I told her I saw “Obsessed” on TV and there was no way I was going through that. She responded:
“I think it’s great that there is awareness being brought to OCD, but the shows on TV are so extreme. The exposures they do are intense and much of the time irresponsible. In real life therapy situations, things go much slower. The problem with shows like that is that they make people afraid to seek treatment.”
Over the next few weeks, I decided I was ready and thus began my search for a therapist. My first therapist was a horrendous bitch and I didn’t give her more than one session. I found a new one who is compassionate, trustworthy and whom I have good chemistry.
I have been in therapy now for nearly four months. I think it’s helping a lot. I have noticed some pretty cool changes, but I’m not gonna lie; it’s difficult. I have experienced some painful situations, opening doors to my mind I never wanted to, but I am becoming a stronger and happier person.
The therapy I am doing is called “ACT”, short for “Acceptance and Commitment Therapy”. It is similar to CBT in that it incorporates exposures, but the main difference is that instead of trying to control or fight thoughts like in CBT, ACT promotes accepting the thoughts as merely thoughts. ACT also focuses on helping the individual discover his/her core values and goals about life and ways to take action in achieving those.
I don’t take SSRIs. The rate of them being effective is pretty low, while the risk of developing side effects is pretty high. I think it’s awesome that some people have found them to be helpful, but they aren’t right for me.
I know many of us wish there was a pill that cured OCD, that had no side effects and didn’t lose potency or trigger dependency over time. The truth is that there really aren’t many medications in life that are like that.
Therapy is like exercise. Everyone wants a magic diet pill, or a 10 minute workout, but the answer is and always will simply be that you gotta do the work. Yes, it will hurt, but the journey can show you how strong you never thought you could be.
Therapy is a great option and the success rate is impressive. Maybe give it a shot when you’re ready.
I still have a long way to go, and I will no doubt stumble along the way, but my happiness is worth fighting for and so is yours.
When my OCD hurts you – I’m sorry.
My husband has been a little down today; he had nightmares last night. He wouldn’t tell me what they were because he knows I can’t handle it. Hearing or seeing horrific things is at times just too much.
When I need to talk, he is there. I wish I could be there and listen at times like these. I’m sorry. I’m just sorry.
“I’m so OCD about cleaning”…Shut the fuck up!
When I hear someone describe a trait with OCD as an adjective, I get a little sick to my stomach. I think it’s because hearing the term used in a way so carefree and ignorantly, just reminds me of the embarrassment I feel from my compulsions knowing that people just don’t understand. I know it’s not personal, which is why for a long time, when I heard someone use the word in that light, I just let it go. Lately, I’ve been “correcting” the person’s statement. It sure is awkward to do that, but I feel like I am standing up for myself.
one year update
its been a year since i started this, so here is what im thinking as of now.
i still use pot nightly. it helps me calm down immensely. i use ativan when i travel or when i really am going crazy and that is still effective.
i recently decided to get therapy. i have indicated in my previous post about CBT, that i had little interest in it, but what changed for me was school. i decided to go back to school to become a psychiatric nurse to help others with ocd. i started community college and from the start to the end of the quarter, i got sick. i got a sinus infection, ear infection, yeast infections, staph infection and a cold. perhaps stress had something to do with it. my ocd got out of hand. it occurred to me that there is no way i can help anyone when i cant even take care of myself. i still have no interest in SSRIs, so therapy seemed like it. shrooms helps so i think ill give that a go again, but im further from calm than i thought.
i found a therapist and man, was she a bitch. she laughed at my stories of panic attacks. she triggered my ocd by a surprising amount of commentary. i found another therapist who i trust so far. i really like him. he diagnosed me with severe ocd and moderate-severe general anxiety disorder. he asked if i wanted to do CBT or ACT. i chose ACT.
first session is tomorrow. my dreams have been fucked up this week. i have hope.
Gollum
I sat there watching Lord of the Rings and was a little scared, but I liked the movie. Gollum looked creepy as he went from bouts of greedy malice to fearfully helpful to torturous inward turmoil. I didn’t know I had OCD at this time, but the way Gollum grabbed his head while he sat on the ground frustrated by his inner voices freaked me out to no end. I was taken aback by how much I felt like him. I knew I didn’t have schizophrenia which he seemed to sort of resemble having, but I recognized that grinding hold he put with his fingers to his forehead, covering his eyes, trying to control his thoughts with his hands. It’s been a symbol that I think about every once in a while. It’s the sort of thing that comforts me, while at the same time bothering me. When I start to break down, I grab my head like Gollum does.
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