I am really excited to announce that I will be speaking for a TEDx talk! I will be telling my story with OCD and sharing a lot of the lessons that have come with the journey. I will keep you all posted and of course, if anyone has any ideas or things they would like me to include, let me know 🙂
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Here is my new Twitter acct!
Thanksgiving – OCD and Holiday Survival/Enjoyment
I am a bit teary-eyed, but better at nipping my emotional tailspins in the bud and just as I was starting to get anxious about what could be the source of my “I’m lost” feeling, I remembered that Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Sometimes, we get depressed, anxious or our OCD acts up and we don’t know why. It’s ok, not to know why. Sometimes it is as simple as we are
- hungry
- tired
- lonely
- sick
(I’ll come back to these) and sometimes, it’s something that subconsciously bothers us like the holidays. There’s a lot to be excited for like family, tradition and food, but it can also be the cause of some undo stress. I’m a little uneasy because although I’m super excited to cook with my family on the day, I also get a little unsettled when my routine is moved around. Not too mention I’m sick with a cold right now. So, rather than over analyze my emotions at this moment, I am going to accept that most likely the cause of my discomfort is that I am sick and that my routine is a little off.
Now, back to that list. Isn’t it amazing how we can be extremely upset and crying at night and feel so much better in the morning? Truly, sometimes sleep, talking to a friend, or eating can alleviate some anxiety. Keep that in mind and take the holidays in stride. Enjoy this Thanksgiving as much as you can, and try to let go of the rest 🙂 Also, check out my video on getting through the holidays unscathed!
The Letter Project
I got this idea and it’s been working so I am going to share it with you here.
Although my OCD is mostly gone, I still have trouble dealing with the ups and downs of life. The maladaptive coping strategies I used to deal with my OCD are so ingrained, that when something uncomfortable comes up, I fall right back into using one of those techniques. Some of these maladaptive coping techniques I am referring to would include drinking, self medicating and other forms of escapism, panic, catastrophizing. isolating and avoidance, etc. I learned some healthy strategies to handle stress like exercising and journaling which did help a lot, but sometimes I just did my “tried and true”. I want to be healthy, but sometimes my self-limiting thoughts really get in the way (“I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy, etc”) and it’s not easy to push myself to journal or go workout. The problem with the “tried and true” less healthy ways to handle stress is that often times, the problems did not get fixed and I would stay depressed for a while noticing the self-esteem falling further.
After a pretty scary event, I decided it was time (again) to get serious about restructuring things. It hit me! And this is when I came up with what I call “the Letter Project”. Each day, I would write a letter to myself. The letter would be written from a vulnerable part of myself like the part of me that’s afraid to cry or the part of me that’s afraid I can’t handle things. The next time I felt anxious and maybe temped to self medicate or something, the deal would be that I would first have to read all these letters (which is not something I want to do because it has been a bit emotional to write them) and still think it would be a good idea to do whatever I had in mind. I have been writing letters for about two months and so far I have been successful at employing healthy coping strategies to deal with stress.
I am giving a sense of expression to the small vulnerabilities that I normally try to suppress. It is not easy as with OCD, the norm has been to get far away from discomfort because that small sense of unease might rapidly turn into a spike. These healthy habits I am creating are teaching me that a little discomfort will happen, is normal, usually do not have to turn into more, and will pass.
Learning to be more accepting of yourself and what makes you vulnerable is not easy, but we are fighters! Commit to not quitting and know that you can do this.
Shame and OCD
OCD can make us feel self-conscious, embarrassed, depressed, confused, sad, angry and ashamed. For as long as I can remember, I have felt so much anger toward myself. Anger for thinking my thoughts and for being this OCD girl. I felt unworthy of the happiness that other people kept saying we all deserved. I still do sometimes. I’d say “maybe some people deserve happiness, but I don’t!”
At some point, I started to believe that I didn’t do anything wrong to bring this OCD burden on myself, but I still couldn’t shake the idea that for some reason, I deserved it and I continued to feel so much shame.
The difference between guilt and shame can be most simply distinguished as (guilt-)“I did something bad” vs. (shame-)“I am bad”. I felt so guilty for having my obsessive thoughts and so ashamed for who I was. Ashamed to be this girl with this fucked up brain. And because of this shame, being vulnerable was something I really tried to avoid. If I couldn’t accept who I was, how could anyone else?
MY OCD symptoms have diminished by a whole lot, but the shame is still there. A therapist suggested I watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
It’s TEDTalk on vulnerability by Brene Brown, a researcher who studies shame. Watch it! I have seen this now a few times and there are some powerful messages there.
Letting go of shame is so important. We need to give ourselves a break and a chance to feel vulnerable. It’s with vulnerability that we give others a chance to see who we are. Wait! Trust me, it’s not without great hesitation that I write this. Feeling vulnerable is super scary, but learning to accept ourselves is so important.
Just because we have OCD does not mean we are bad people. I know, I know, I can say that, but believing it is another thing. I guess I need to start believing some of this stuff 🙂
Like in this image that my good friend, Drew Renaud, made. 🙂
WAIT!!! A Letter of Compassion
I wrote a letter to myself. A letter to read when I get the urge to cut. Sometimes when we are desperate, sad and panicked, it’s easy to forget what we have learned to combat our OCD or other mental ailment. I wanted to share this letter.
WAIT!!!
Before you cut, remember you will feel better in the morning. Remember that although it would feel good right now, it won’t help you to feel better later.
This is the small part of you talking, asking to be heard. Asking for a chance. The small part that doesn’t want anymore scars, that wonders and hopes for a better life.
Remember that you want to move forward. That you want to wear swimsuits without fear.
Remember that this path is hard, but one you have never really tried, and it’s worth a shot to see if life will improve.
Remember to not feel ashamed of your past, to let it go and to experience the moment.
The biggest gift you can give yourself right now is a chance. Even if you think you don’t deserve it right now, give yourself a real chance because you deserve to try it. A chance at love, beautiful friendships, an fulfilling career, and pushing yourself. Give yourself a chance to heal.
WAIT!!!
Yes, the cravings are near unbearable, but teach yourself to live in the unpleasant present so you can be what you are meant to be…a healer, a lover, a fighter, a writer and a strong woman.
Why I Can’t Fall In Love
We all seem to refer to OCD as a separate entity; one that is part of us, but held as far away from us as possible. It’s unlikeable, unpleasant, challenging and uncomfortable to say the very, very least. I called this OCD-part of me my “evil brain”. I learned that science had backed this connection I made of OCD/brain when study after study found the serotonin link; telling us that OCD was in fact a problem with chemicals in the brain.
Chemicals!
I am deeply afraid of chemicals. I use vinegar to clean instead of harsh chemicals, I eat organically to avoid artificial whatever, and avoid pharmaceuticals if at all possible. And, yes, I am a hypocrite. A girl afraid of advil, but alcohol and painkillers…no problem!
But, the hypocrisy has a rational basis, because what I think I’m really afraid of is the uncontrollable chemical responses. The anxiety that comes from the obsessive thoughts that pop in my head, the shame from the compulsive behavior that I didn’t notice start to become pattern, the hypochondria induced panic from the bad reaction to an antibiotic, and the unfamiliar uncertainty of love.
It struck me today like lightning punching through a dark ocean. Those of you who have read my blog know that I am divorced. It was a tough time, but the hard part was recreating a life, not so much the loss of a love, because the truth is I never loved him. He was my best friend, which is why I married him. Until him, all of my relationships had been incredibly short lived. We’re talking three months tops. It seemed odd to me that I had such short relationships in my past, yet a seven year long relationship with my ex. It was not odd though because he was just as emotionally distant as I was. Sex was almost always without affection or romance and I was always drunk. Every other person I had a slept with, I did not care about. I preferred it that way because emotions really scare me. Why wouldn’t they? After all, anxiety is the main emotion I had experienced so trusting myself was not an option.
Letting myself be vulnerable, open, to fall in love, was not an option.
So, back to today. My OCD has been under serious control from about a year and my first crush happened today. At first, I felt elated and all the flowery things that come with a crush, but this feeling was followed by uncertainty and panic. Of course, I know that feelings of uncertainty are normal, but as someone with OCD for most of my life, the tolerance to uncertainty and lack of control is not very good. This low tolerance makes me defensive and I try to get rid of the feelings. I try so hard to get rid of the feelings that create any sense of vulnerability and so far I have been successful. The price I pay is that I have never been in real love before.
Fear really is a powerful thing and so much of my life has been utterly ruled by it. I do hope to let go of that fear and fall in love someday. If my inability to get close to someone is based on this fear like I believe it is, then my prescription for love will be to continue practicing acceptance, to be honest with myself and others and most importantly…..baby steps!
OCD – Getting Through the Holidays Unscathed *video
The holidays can be stressful. Here are some tips on getting through them unscathed.
Your Goals
Many of my goals were and are related to OCD and my health. I didn’t make a lot of other goals because I didn’t see myself being able to achieve them. I thought that “normal” people had the privilege to dream and I simply did not get that luxury because I had so much work to do just to be “normal” and do simple things most people took for granted like turn a light switch off once.
I kept telling myself that if one day I could get to a good place with my OCD, I would push forward with what I really wanted to do, practice medicine. As some of you know, my OCD is mostly in “remission”, though I still feel like the “OCD” girl sometimes, like the scars still just stare at me. And when my OCD went away, I was so angry at myself for not taking advantage of this and pursuing my big dreams right away. I felt behind and that I had so far to go.
But, I realized it’s never to late to start dreaming! I didn’t really know what I wanted to do when I was a kid. When in first grade, sitting in a circle, kids shared what they wanted to be; a fireman, a school teacher…I said “I want to be a super star!” My teacher said I couldn’t be that. I saw a crest toothpaste commercial with the blue sparkly toothpaste star dancing and saying ‘you can be a super star too!” I thought that sounded good to me, so that’s what I said. After that bitch crushed my dreams, I didn’t pick up any new ones.
Until now! I had so much determination to get my health in order, and though there’s only so much I can do, I did everything I could because it was my ultimate goal to be as healthy as I could be. Sometimes, a lot of times, I felt like quitting, but that little voice inside me kept pushing me. Sometimes it’s hard to hear that voice, but we all have it.
And finally, this leads me to how important it is to have faith in yourself and pursue your goals. If you don’t have any yet, start simple and small. That’s ok 🙂 Some of my goals are tiny, like “eat”. Some of them are big, like “become a doctor”.
This week in therapy we discussed self-limiting thoughts. Things like “I’m not enough” or “I’m a loser”. Stuff that gets in the way of me pushing forward towards my goals and sometimes leads me into the realm of self punishment. I’m trying to figure out where I learned mine and why it’s so hard for me to let go of them. So, I decided to try an exercise. I took a photo I liked from a recent photoshoot and I looked at me in the picture, and thought about all the self-limiting statements I believe about myself. Thoughts that no matter how many people tell me are untrue, I simply cannot change my mind. I wrote these thoughts on the photo, trying to look at it objectively, wondering if it’s possible other people might not believe what I believe; that maybe I’m wrong and that these beliefs are just untrue statements taught to me during my early life.
As much as I did not want to, I did this exercise again. Even if I don’t believe it right now, I realize a lot of my emotional pain stems from my thoughts and I have got to start showing myself more compassion. Maybe I’ll believe it someday. That’s a goal of mine!
Like, I’ve said from the beginning…stay strong. This means, don’t quit and remember that strength sometimes looks like tears.
OCD and Relationships Video
MyOCDdiary 