Many of my goals were and are related to OCD and my health. I didn’t make a lot of other goals because I didn’t see myself being able to achieve them. I thought that “normal” people had the privilege to dream and I simply did not get that luxury because I had so much work to do just to be “normal” and do simple things most people took for granted like turn a light switch off once.
I kept telling myself that if one day I could get to a good place with my OCD, I would push forward with what I really wanted to do, practice medicine. As some of you know, my OCD is mostly in “remission”, though I still feel like the “OCD” girl sometimes, like the scars still just stare at me. And when my OCD went away, I was so angry at myself for not taking advantage of this and pursuing my big dreams right away. I felt behind and that I had so far to go.
But, I realized it’s never to late to start dreaming! I didn’t really know what I wanted to do when I was a kid. When in first grade, sitting in a circle, kids shared what they wanted to be; a fireman, a school teacher…I said “I want to be a super star!” My teacher said I couldn’t be that. I saw a crest toothpaste commercial with the blue sparkly toothpaste star dancing and saying ‘you can be a super star too!” I thought that sounded good to me, so that’s what I said. After that bitch crushed my dreams, I didn’t pick up any new ones.
Until now! I had so much determination to get my health in order, and though there’s only so much I can do, I did everything I could because it was my ultimate goal to be as healthy as I could be. Sometimes, a lot of times, I felt like quitting, but that little voice inside me kept pushing me. Sometimes it’s hard to hear that voice, but we all have it.
And finally, this leads me to how important it is to have faith in yourself and pursue your goals. If you don’t have any yet, start simple and small. That’s ok 🙂 Some of my goals are tiny, like “eat”. Some of them are big, like “become a doctor”.
This week in therapy we discussed self-limiting thoughts. Things like “I’m not enough” or “I’m a loser”. Stuff that gets in the way of me pushing forward towards my goals and sometimes leads me into the realm of self punishment. I’m trying to figure out where I learned mine and why it’s so hard for me to let go of them. So, I decided to try an exercise. I took a photo I liked from a recent photoshoot and I looked at me in the picture, and thought about all the self-limiting statements I believe about myself. Thoughts that no matter how many people tell me are untrue, I simply cannot change my mind. I wrote these thoughts on the photo, trying to look at it objectively, wondering if it’s possible other people might not believe what I believe; that maybe I’m wrong and that these beliefs are just untrue statements taught to me during my early life.
As much as I did not want to, I did this exercise again. Even if I don’t believe it right now, I realize a lot of my emotional pain stems from my thoughts and I have got to start showing myself more compassion. Maybe I’ll believe it someday. That’s a goal of mine!
Like, I’ve said from the beginning…stay strong. This means, don’t quit and remember that strength sometimes looks like tears.