ocd

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An Honest Attempt

Since starting therapy, I have been so emotional.  I didn’t cry last session though which made me feel proud that I’d kept it together, but when I got home I felt like shit.  This showed me that suppressing the urge to cry is worse than crying.   I am going to do my best to explain this honestly.

I am not as “ok” as I thought.  The truth is that there are times when I’m feeling a little better and times when I feel hopeless.  My recent posts have indicated that I have tried and found treatments that work for me, but the deal is that although they help, they didn’t cure.  Pot really is the best sleep aid I’ve tried and shrooms did  bring me off the ocd ledge quite a bit, but I am just now learning that my coping mechanisms are not going to save me and that I’ve got to work through this myself.

I don’t write this to erase the opinions I’ve expressed about certain treatments, but rather to stop suppressing the feelings i have, even if i dont enjoy feeling them.

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I am so indecisive…or it’s my OCD

Indecision has plagued me and driven those around me mad my whole life.  Decisions like what to eat for dinner or which shoe to wear take painstakingly long and cause marked anxiety.  I sometimes get so anxious in trying to make a trivial decision, I end up frustrated, stressed and occasionally just refuse to make the decision.

I recently read an article that shed some light on this frustrating trait and helped me to learn that indecision in an OCD sufferer can be a symptom of OCD.

Dr. Charles Raison writes:

Although many people with OCD do primarily manifest classic symptoms such as fear of contamination, a need to count or a need for things to be symmetrical, it is just as common for individuals with OCD to suffer most from symptoms that are less well-known, none of which is more common than indecision. And indecision is always at its worst when the patient is presented with two options that are equally desirable.

Seriously!?  It’s my brain again!?  Bitter sweet because it’s not my fault or a flaw in my character, but I guess this also means it’s not so easy to change, but I suppose I knew that part already.

Indecision is a symptom in its own right and doesn’t need any additional obsessional content about bad things happening if the wrong decision is made. It’s not the outcome that bothers patients as much as the raw problem of a making a choice.

In this, as in almost everything, people with OCD are suffering from a truth of the world that most of us ignore: in this case that every decision requires that we give up the choice we didn’t make.

It’s difficult to explain why decision making is so hard especially when the choice at hand is over something so simple where either outcome would seemingly be fine.

So, this goes on my list of attributes that are not my fault and that I may not be able to change, but it is my philosophy that one must make the best of things.  Accept it, but make it work or at least practice ways to deal with it.  I know this will most likely be a life long struggle, but knowledge brings clarity and clarity is the start to solving problems.

Click here to watch my video post about indecision on my youtube channel.

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Does OCD Go Away?

I have had OCD my whole life; in fact I really can’t imagine life without it.  As my previous posts state, things are mostly under control, but it’s still a part of me.  Some people, however get OCD later in life.  Most researchers say that this is not a sudden affliction, but rather something has triggered what was always there.  I recently came across an article about a book called, Saving Sammy, that details the story of a mother whose child suddenly experiences OCD symptoms at age ten.  He is later cured after a year of antibiotics when they learn of his strep (PANDAS).

These “triggers” that set off OCD always seem to involve a stressful event or situation like pregnancy, divorce, moving, college, etc…

I think for some people OCD can go away, but for others it can be there for life.  I don’t feel one way about this or the other because really, whether OCD is in me or out, I will strive to make the best of my situation.

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Overvalued Ideas: This could be tricky…

I am one of those OCD sufferers to have covert and overt compulsions, meaning some of my compulsions manifest physically while others are in my head, like mental counting.  This makes me think that CBT therapy may not be so helpful for me since the psychologist much of the time monitors the patient during an exposure.  Additionally, some things I fear that cause my anxiety are not easily proven wrong, like my fears of the paranormal.  So, how do I really let this stuff go?

I came across a very interesting excerpt from O’Dwyer, Anne-Marie Carter, Obsessive–compulsive disorder and delusions revisited, The British Journal of Psychiatry (2000) 176: 281-284 that discuss some of this:

Some OCD sufferers exhibit what is known as overvalued ideas. In such cases, the person with OCD will truly be uncertain whether the fears that cause them to perform their compulsions are irrational or not. After some discussion, it is possible to convince the individual that their fears may be unfounded. It may be more difficult to do ERP therapy on such patients, because they may be, at least initially, unwilling to cooperate. For this reason OCD has often been likened to a disease of pathological doubt, in which the sufferer, while not usually delusional, is often unable to realize fully what sorts of dreaded events are reasonably possible and which are not. There are severe cases when the sufferer has an unshakeable belief within the context of OCD which is difficult to differentiate from psychosis.

Sometimes after I fly into what I call a blind panic, I look back and feel like I was delusional.  I also feel lately that my memory is quite poor, and I have to wonder if this is my fault.  In trying to let go of obsessions, I feel like I may have sort of trained my mind to forget in general.  I feel like this is probably extreme, but OCD makes me feel like any emotional pain could lead to awful anxiety and so I try to avoid it.

I am now trying to learn that not all anxiety is bad and feeling some discomfort is probably ok, but at the same time, not beat myself up during this process.

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OCD and Hormonal Imbalance pt. 2

Finally, the lab results were in my hand and to my surprise and expectations, my progesterone was low and so was my estrogen. So now what? My hormonal imbalance could be the cause of my horrible PMS, dry skin, headaches and possibly my OCD! Well, maybe not my OCD, but I would not be surprised if it was exacerbating my OCD.

Serotonin problems are theorized to cause OCD and hormones are very much a part of serotonin, so why is it so crazy to believe that putting hormones in check could help?

I am very excited to start my hormone therapy and will post results.

If you are interested in learning more about hormones and hormonal imbalances, I recommend web searching “hormonal imbalance”. I read the book “Dr. John Lee’s Hormone Balance Made Simple” by John Lee and Virginia Hopkins. The book is very easy to read and probably could have been condensed into a pamphlet, but the information is still beneficial.

From my own research I have found a few things to be essential for keeping your hormones balanced:

  1. Eat organically: It’s not just a trend, but when you don’t eat organically, you ingest antibiotics, pesticides, hormones and all sorts of toxic garbage.
  2. Sleep: I know…I know…sounds lame, but it makes sense right?
  3. If you are currently on birth control (like the pill), talk to your OBGYN.
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PMS and OCD

I get almost every PMS symptom in the book: headaches, crying spells, insomnia, cramps, back aches… and my OCD spikes.

I am forced to ask what is the connection between OCD and PMS?  Two seemingly different conditions, both making me depressed and frustrated to a breaking point.

An OBGYN suggested birth control pills, which to me seems a bit hasty.  “So you are telling me to up my estrogen levels to hopefully decrease my PMS symptoms?”  I know the pill has helped many women, but for many it makes it drastically worse, and why shouldn’t it?  After all, if there is a hormonal imbalance causing PMS, then why just presume it’s the estrogen that’s off?

But I digress, I can only guess that the hippocampus could have something to do with it, but I really don’t know.  Perhaps it comes back to serotonin.  SSRIs are commonly prescribed for both PMS and OCD.

After I found out I was gluten intolerant and gave up wheat, my PMS improved significantly.  I did a hormonal panel as well and discovered  I had a decent chemical imbalance.  I have ordered a home saliva test and will post the results when I get them.

If gluten intolerance has taught me anything, it’s that if something in your body is “off”, symptoms can arise in the oddest of ways.

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Am I Gay or is it my OCD?

I first started to worry about the possibility of being bisexual when I was 12.  I was afraid of being gay, like many people who are confused about their orientation.  I remember having my first crush on a girl in elementary school, but  I struggled with sexual obsessions from my early teens, which casued me to repeatedly question my orientation.  Was I bi?  Was it my OCD?

I got relief once I learned it is very common for OCD sufferers to have obsessions regarding their sexuality.  This was only partly the case with me.

I did suffer from some sexual obsessions, but not all of my thoughts made me anxious.  An intrusive thought causing anxiety is an obsession, but a repressed thought that causes no anxiety is not.  I knew many of my sexual obsessions stemmed from OCD, but the attraction I felt towards women caused me no anxiety, no strife and in fact was not something I obsessed over because it fit into my shameful loops, but because I had repressed my desires along with many other sexual obsessions I wished to ignore.  It all got mixed together.

The key for me was to separate my thoughts into what caused anxiety and what did not.  This was difficult because I had to get through the confusion and bias in regards to my orientation.  I had to think about what it really meant to be bisexual or gay.  I had to listen to my true feelings and decide what was OCD and what was not.

Understanding OCD brings a lot of clarity.  Understanding my thoughts was crucial in separating my OCD from my real self.

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Scrupulosity and Atheism

I did not really grow up in a religious environment, but scrupulosity (obsession with sins), was a major player in my OCD.  I believed my sinful thoughts would manifest into something terrible.  I performed OCD rituals to “cancel out” these thoughts.  I feared the supernatural to an extreme.

Each night I would ask my siblings to come into my room to see if they could sense any spirits or ghosts.  I would request a different table at Claim Jumper if we were seated next to an old black and white photo of a most likely deceased person.  I also feared negative energy, wether being around it or causing it.  I believed my thoughts, if negative, could cause something terrible to happen.

When I became an atheist, I drastically got better.  Tormenting Thoughts and Secret Rituals by Ian Osborne discusses possible ways to deal with OCD if you are religious and having problems with scrupulosity, however, religion was really the wrong fit for me.

I did not simply abandon any religious belief due to OCD, but really I had held on to those beliefs because of OCD.  It was the “what if?” factor.  I believed because wouldn’t it be better to believe and be wrong than to not believe and be wrong?  Not really.  Believing because of fear hurts.

I think maybe all this has something to do with the fear of the unknown and uncontrollable.

I feel I am more true to myself now.

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Caffeine = Panic Attack

I have a sinus arrhythmia/tachycardia (speedy heart rate) and since teenhood, my doctors have said “no caffeine!”  I have found that my anxiety goes up when I do have it.  It makes sense though, I mean the last thing someone with OCD needs is a stimulant, right?  I have decaf when I order coffee and I still drink tea.  I have found that for me personally, the caffeine content in tea is not high enough to warrant a problem. I also rarely need a “jolt” of energy as I am anxious much of the time and usually feel pretty “awake”.  When I need energy, I go for fruit juice or tea.

My heart rate is typically too fast at rest. When my adrenaline spikes due to anxiety, with any added stimulants like caffeine, I most likely go into a panic attack. I get dizzy and fall over, convulse, my jaw and hands lock, and I wait till it’s over. The first time I experienced a panic attack was quite intense. I thought I was dying. I was driving with my then-boyfriend when suddenly, my vision faded into black with random color spots. It almost looked like a rainy dark night with ambulance lights off in the distance. I fell to the driver’s window, still without my vision and an overwhelming sense of guilt. I thought I had killed someone, seeing flashes of what I thought could be an ambulance near a car accident.   My then-boyfriend had grabbed the wheel and we coasted to the sidewalk.  When I came back around, I had no idea what had happened to me, and I cried for hours wondering if I really had killed someone. I went to the doctor who diagnosed me.

I experienced panic attacks every few days and was no longer allowed to drive at night.

At that time, I worked at a movie theatre and drank a lot of soda, but when I gave up soda and caffeine, my panic attacks started to fade away.

They vanished when I met my fiance. I think this is because I feel calm with him, and having a comfortable, stress free environment helps a lot.

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History

I grew up with no knowledge of OCD and no idea there was a name for my madness.  I hid my rituals the best I could, coming up with excuses for what I was doing or performing rituals quietly like turning on the faucet only slightly.  My OCD not only affected my life and caused stress on my family, but caused problems eating and feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt.  I couldn’t (still don’t) read or watch the news.  For some reason I felt totally responsible for world disasters.  It’s impossible for me to keep things to myself; I need to admit what I’m thinking to get reassurance.

My OCD affected me primarily via the form of scrupulosity (obsession with sins).  I was not heavily religious, but I believed my shameful thoughts were dooming me.  My compulsions began to get out of control.

Hand washing, checking, counting, eating disorder… thinking about violent ways to die or ways others might die because of me. Violent thoughts dominated my head, and I was breaking down.

Funnily enough, it was not until I saw an episode of Scrubs featuring Michael J. Fox who plays a character with OCD, that I learned that I may have a known problem.  “O my god…I do that stuff!”

A few weeks later, I was vacationing and the change of routine spiked my OCD.  I could not stop filling and emptying my glass of water.  I washed my hands till they bled.  I got on the internet and onto a forum where I figured out I might have OCD.

I told my sister that night and she was very supportive.  When I returned home, I went to dinner with my now-fiance and told him what was going on.  I shook and fidgeted with high anxiety, and admitted the most horrible embarrassing thing about myself.  He was wonderful and has been supportive and incredibly helpful in dealing with this since.

When I returned for my final semester of college, I began some counseling and learned quite a bit about how to accept the fact that I had OCD as well as some of my options.

OCD is terrible.  I sometimes feel like my brain hates me.  I wonder why my brain is trying to destroy me.  Some days are harder than others, but at this point in my life, I am in therapy and I feel like things are getting better.

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I have tried many forms of treatment and will list them all in this blog. I will also write about interesting new research in OCD as well as some other cool info I learn.