Scrupulosity and Atheism

I did not really grow up in a religious environment, but scrupulosity (obsession with sins), was a major player in my OCD.  I believed my sinful thoughts would manifest into something terrible.  I performed OCD rituals to “cancel out” these thoughts.  I feared the supernatural to an extreme.

Each night I would ask my siblings to come into my room to see if they could sense any spirits or ghosts.  I would request a different table at Claim Jumper if we were seated next to an old black and white photo of a most likely deceased person.  I also feared negative energy, wether being around it or causing it.  I believed my thoughts, if negative, could cause something terrible to happen.

When I became an atheist, I drastically got better.  Tormenting Thoughts and Secret Rituals by Ian Osborne discusses possible ways to deal with OCD if you are religious and having problems with scrupulosity, however, religion was really the wrong fit for me.

I did not simply abandon any religious belief due to OCD, but really I had held on to those beliefs because of OCD.  It was the “what if?” factor.  I believed because wouldn’t it be better to believe and be wrong than to not believe and be wrong?  Not really.  Believing because of fear hurts.

I think maybe all this has something to do with the fear of the unknown and uncontrollable.

I feel I am more true to myself now.

Advertisements