It is not easy, nor is it free.
I do not believe there is a finish line one crosses to move from being an unhealthy person to a healthy one. It is a never stagnate scale in which our daily choices bring us closer to one side or the other. For much of my life, I felt like to get rid of my OCD and things about myself I didn’t like, I needed to punish myself and dismantle my emotions. I hid from the world because I didn’t believe I could handle it, but all the while, there was a spark in me that kept me fighting. I will never stop trying to move toward a place of good health. I believe to do this, I must honor myself, instead of punishing myself. Expressing my emotions, especially the unpleasant ones, takes some practice, but it’s getting much easier. Some days are not as easy, and I have learned that this is normal and to be expected. I do not like these days, but I feel like they are getting less common and I am indeed reminded that most days I am very lucky.
Besides battling OCD, stopping myself from self harm is the hardest thing I have experienced. Some nights, I simple cannot trust any thought that comes into my head and I am reminded of how OCD robbed my intuition from me. Therapy has taught me to recognize the cognitive distortions when they arise which has helped me tremendously, and just like I fought OCD, I will continue to fight the urge to hurt myself. I feel like my intuition is healing.
My chiropractor today asked me what motivates me to getup in the morning. I had no desire to have a real conversation with him about it, so I said “work”. I thought it was a funny answer. Throughout the day I thought about this question and I think it’s actually a good one to ask yourself.
That spark that keeps me fighting is more real to me now than ever and as the denial fades, so does the confusion. I am following my heart and thus honoring my spirit. I feel that although it will take time to work through my self-destructive habits, I have to focus on the the light which guides me ahead. Long term goals highly motivate me to treat myself with compassion. I want to go back to school to pursue naturopathic medicine, I want to travel, I want to nurture my relationships, and I want to surpass my supposed limitations. Additionally, short term goals, like daily decisions move me in the direction of good health.
One day at a time.