Author: me

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Self Harm – Sometimes Scars Are Not Worth Having

I have always felt the need to punish myself.  Even as a child in a non-practising religious family, I felt compelled to confess my sins.  Not knowing what I actually wanted was reassurance for my shamefully obsessive thoughts, I wanted justice and forgiveness for thinking the worst things ever to be thought.

It started out with food.  I would deny myself.  I would use the ache of hunger to take my mind out of the mental loops.  Even if I knew I had not done anything terrible, I still wanted to make things “right’.  I felt guilty all the time, even hearing a story on the news about something a thousand miles away.  I started piercing, over and over again.  Letting the piercing site heal and then doing it again.  I started to enjoy the pain.

Then I cut myself.  Drunk, on the floor with a blunt kitchen knife on my wrists.  I had no intention of suicide, it was just a place.  I wanted the scar.  I couldn’t stop and then my legs looked a mess.

I wear pants almost all the time now as I wait for the scars to heal; the scars I wanted as a way of proving that I had atoned.  It was not until something clicked with the help of a councilor that I realized that pain did not mean healing.  It blew my mind.  Pain did not mean healing and it was then that I did not want my scars anymore.  For the first time, I felt that I had hurt myself and that it was wrong.  I felt bad that way I would feel if someone else had hurt me.

I cant even fathom cutting myself again, until those days when I am depressed; then I feel the desire come back a little, but not even close to enough to go through with it.  I can’t accept that anymore.  It’s almost like I am two people at times.

I am now learning to respect myself and it is so challenging in some ways.  I just want to be normal.

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OCD on Glee

Ever see Glee?  I was excited to see it when it first came out since I had heard there would be a character with OCD on the show.  Unfortunately I am mostly disspointed with how they have chosen to portray OCD.

For those who don’t watch or who haven’t seen it, that character is Emma, and her OCD mostly manifests in mysophobia (more commonly known as germaphobia).  The pilot showed Emma getting quite anxious after stepping on a piece of gum.  Many episodes show her cleaning fruit with moist towel-ettes and gloves.

Most recently aired season three: episode three, where Emma’s parents come over for dinner which stresses out Emma to the point of compulsively arranging and rearranging her silverware.  Her parents are mean and make fun of her.  A flashback scene then shows Emma as a child sitting at the table of a restaurant.  Her parents hand her the familiar moist towel-ette and she begins cleaning her cup as her parents do; implying that Emma developed OCD because of the way she was raised by her parents.  I did not appreciate this as it sends a strong message that OCD is someone’s fault, when it is not.  Later in the episode, Emma is seen compulsively rubbing her hands together, before she kneels to the ground to pray.  Will is with her, and says “I wish I could make things better for you”, not knowing what to do.

I thought that scene was sweet and probably the closest the show has come to portraying OCD in a realistic way, but overall Emma falls short.  She is often seen cleaning or compulsing, but she always seems quite calm performing her rituals, and I think most of us don’t really recognize that feeling while compulsing.  Thus, further supporting the false idea the OCD is about perfectionism, cleanliness and anal retentiveness rather than anxiety.  At the heart of it, OCD is about trying to make the anxiety go away.  When an obsession or intrusive thought pops into the mind, the person becomes anxious and tries to get rid of the feeling with compulsive behavior.  Emma rarely seems anxious, as most of the time during her cleaning, she is chatting with great ease.  After a while you don’t even notice her cleaning because it comes across like she is simply overdoing it.

Without too many shows highlighting OCD (besides some exploitative reality show garbage), I am less than impressed, and I really don’t relate to the character.

You ever watch Scrubs?  That scene with Michael J Fox was what helped me realize I had OCD. It was a very realistic representation as he showed anxiety, stress, frustration, shame and strength.  Emma is pretty flat as a character and while I think it’s nice they have an OCD character…yawn.

Here’s the clip from from Scrubs that really changed my life.

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smile

I used to be good at distracting people from my embarrassing compulsions and nervousness. I hated people asking me if I was nervous; I did not want to draw attention to my crazy brain. I guess I also did not want my mood to inconvenience anyone. I would talk really fast in hopes people would focus on what I said and not what my fidgetty hands were doing. I smiled all the time, even when sad, to throw people off. I smiled so much, it’s habit to do it at the “wrong” times even if it’s stupid like when a security guard tells me to move. I don’t talk as much and I think it’s because much of my anxiety is gone and my brain isn’t moving a mile a minute. The problem is, I still smile.

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“The OCD-Girl”: Identifying with OCD

The idea that OCD and I had this almost Jekyll and Hyde relationship defined me more than I would care to admit. Because of therapy and tending to all my health problems, my OCD is at a minimum. So much so, that I rarely see it as part of my life anymore. This was amazing; not having OCD steer my ship anymore, but it wasn’t that simple. Who was I now that my OCD was mostly gone? I had such severe OCD, that I had trouble keeping a job, few friends, and threw out stuff (opposite of hoarding). I dressed plainer than Jane, hated traveling and feared everything. Now that I was not this girl anymore, I hated my clothes, hated how I acted, hated that I had no career…It was like that movie with Val Kilmer where he plays a blind man, but gets his vision (not as extreme, but you get the idea). He was confused by shadows and mirrors and though he could see, he still lived the life of a bind person. I felt like I was still living the life of OCD and I hated it.

I am sad. At first, I felt spoiled for not being full of pure glee for my new mind, and I assumed that the adjustment period was to blame. I then realized that this sad feeling is too much. For years, I have been told I had depression and I would always deny it. For some reason, I refused to admit to it. Now that OCD is not the main issue, I feel like these other issues are coming to the surface which, though painful, is for the best.  Now I am in therapy again for the depression and continuing to work on my physical health.  That was the biggest difference for me, healing the body as a whole.

I am not the “OCD-Girl” and though it makes me a little unnerved to feel like I don’t know who I am anymore, I feel hope in knowing that I am now free to find out.

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OCD – School

OCD has been known to show its ugly head for many in their early 20s. For whatever reason, this is the age where a lot of people who have been mostly fine until then, start to have their symptoms triggered. I believe one reason why is school. Maybe not, but it sure doesn’t help.   Recently stories have surfaced about how students are more stressed now than ever before. In addition to the stress from teachers and studying, there is just no time for fun, relaxing, or exercising. It’s a time where part time jobs seem like a break from the chronic pressure.

Many of us with OCD have developed compulsions and avoidance behavior, and school often times seems like it is simply not an option.

So, wether you are in school or about to start, here are some things to consider:
It is absolutely possible to be successful in school. OCD sufferers are often very intelligent and find that it’s not so much the work that is too hard, but the OCD. The key is to get OCD under YOUR control. This means finding strategies that work. Therapy and exercise are good examples of this. Making time for yourself will be crucial.

Do not take more classes than you can handle. Reducing the workload and thus the stress can help.

Talk to your teachers or your counseling department. Letting them know about what is going on may take some of the pressure off. I was always late to class because I was busy compulsing. I could not do certain assignments and I did things in class that looked downright odd. Letting them know helped them to help me. However, be prepared that not all your teachers will be gems of understanding light. I had one teacher who was just mean.

Lastly, remember that school does not define who you are or how successful or happy you will be. If it is something you really want, make it happen.

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Facing the Future

I dropped out of school because it was too hard.  The work was not hard, nor was the knowledge beyond my understanding, but school is a trigger for me, as I’m sure it is for a lot of people, and I could not deal with it.

I felt disappointed in myself that I left school and tried to accept I could not have the career of my choice.  Telling my family I failed was not easy.  My family was supportive, acknowledging my success in trying.  I started therapy shortly after.

I have been in therapy nine months and seeing change in how I handle and see my life has been phenomenal. Before therapy, I had given up on my dream, I avoided triggers, I escaped my pain and in essence lived with a dim light.

I was managing though.  I had marijuana and kava and a bunch of other tricks that helped.  I still utilize these home remedies at times, but not nearly as much.

The changes I have seen in myself have been so rewarding I have since decided to go back to school.  This decision was pretty difficult because I still had to ask myself if throwing myself into a known trigger was worth it, but that’s just it!  It will be challenging, but the time has come for me to not be a slave to mind anymore.  For so long I thought my mind hated me, but now I see that OCD is just one facet of my life.  I have other qualities like intelligence that I have stiffled in an attempt to escape my mind.  I’ve learned that embracing my mind means embracing all of what goes on in my head.  Of course this does not mean that I now love having OCD; it means that I no longer see it as threatening, and when OCD gets a grip on me, I use the tools from therapy and don’t let that stop me from achieving what I really want in life and to finally see what the full potential of my mind is.

I’m used to living in fear, anxious all the time, nervous by nature.  I’m not “cured”, but things are getting better and of course I have more work to do.  But, I’m brave enough to live a full life.  Seeking therapy was the scariest and best decision I made to better my life.  My husband has helped me immensely, never losing faith in my abilities.  I’m grateful for him every day.  My therapist has saved me in so many ways; the biggest way was showing me that I did not have to live in the dark anymore and that I was strong enough to live in the light.

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The OCD Hormone Connection – PMS (video)

Here is a brief video summarizing some info on how OCD can be affected by hormonal imbalance.  Please read my other posts for more detailed information.  Links can be found below video

[youtube.com=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2r9YHjmBb4]

PMS and OCD

OCD and Hormonal Imbalance Part 2

Hormonal Imbalance in Detail

5-Htp and the Hormonal Therapy Results

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How to Find a Good Therapist for OCD?

Ok, you have decided you are finally ready for therapy.  So, how do you find a good therapist?  And when I say “good”, I don’t mean qualified, because most practicing therapists are legally qualified; I’m talking about someone who listens, respects you, has beneficial input and someone with whom you are comfortable with.  It is important that you are comfortable with your therapist because if you don’t have a framework of trust, it’s not going to work.

You can call your insurance company for a list of names, you can seek free or low cost therapy, you can ask your school councilor for referrals, you can google “ocd therapist near….”

Phew!  So, now you have some names, and then you make the calls.  When I called the therapists on my list, I left messages with almost every single one of them.  Many returned my call and when they did, I had a list of questions ready:

  1. Do you have experience treating OCD? If not, then don’t even bother.  Not all therapy is equivalent.  Some types can actually make things worse; so stick with what’s been proven to work.  If they say “no”, you can ask for referrals or advice on how to find one.  This is actually the way I found mine.
  2. Are you accepting new clients? If not, but you really want them, you can wait.  Or move on.
  3. What kind of therapy do you use to treat OCD? i.e. ACT, CBT, EMDR…It is wise to do a little reading on the difference between these types of therapy.  You can always ask the therapist as well.  My therapist asked if I would prefer to go with the ACT approach or the CBT approach.  He explained both and I picked the one that sounded best to me.
  4. What are your rates and do you accept insurance or offer sliding scale?
  5. Ask to setup an orientation or first meeting if you think everything sounds good.  Keep in mind, a first session is most often you discussing your history, filling out a questionnaire and feeling things out.

The first therapist I tried out was awful.  She seemed nice, but when I talked about my history, she made comments that really just pushed my buttons.  I felt judged.  At the end of the session, she gave me some pages from an OCD workbook to do as homework.  I was less than impressed.

I left, not really sure if that was normal or not.  I didn’t like her, I knew that much, but I wasn’t sure if I should give her a few sessions to make sure.  I also wondered if maybe I was trying to get out of therapy subconsciously.  I told the story to my husband and sister and I realized that the more I talked about it, the more it bothered me and I decided not to see her again and to look elsewhere.

I started calling other therapists and I began asking the ones who said they had no experience in treating OCD if they could recommend someone.  One suggested I check with anxiety center in my area and I found a therapy group specifically geared to treat OCD.  I spoke to one on the phone and decided to give him a try.

I had my first session with him and I knew he was going to be the one I wanted to help me.  I felt comfortable and agreed with his philosophies on treatment.  Everything felt “right” and I have been seeing him for a few months now.

The search may be frustrating as it was for me, but when you find a good one, it will be worth it.