I have always felt the need to punish myself. Even as a child in a non-practising religious family, I felt compelled to confess my sins. Not knowing what I actually wanted was reassurance for my shamefully obsessive thoughts, I wanted justice and forgiveness for thinking the worst things ever to be thought.
It started out with food. I would deny myself. I would use the ache of hunger to take my mind out of the mental loops. Even if I knew I had not done anything terrible, I still wanted to make things “right’. I felt guilty all the time, even hearing a story on the news about something a thousand miles away. I started piercing, over and over again. Letting the piercing site heal and then doing it again. I started to enjoy the pain.
Then I cut myself. Drunk, on the floor with a blunt kitchen knife on my wrists. I had no intention of suicide, it was just a place. I wanted the scar. I couldn’t stop and then my legs looked a mess.
I wear pants almost all the time now as I wait for the scars to heal; the scars I wanted as a way of proving that I had atoned. It was not until something clicked with the help of a councilor that I realized that pain did not mean healing. It blew my mind. Pain did not mean healing and it was then that I did not want my scars anymore. For the first time, I felt that I had hurt myself and that it was wrong. I felt bad that way I would feel if someone else had hurt me.
I cant even fathom cutting myself again, until those days when I am depressed; then I feel the desire come back a little, but not even close to enough to go through with it. I can’t accept that anymore. It’s almost like I am two people at times.
I am now learning to respect myself and it is so challenging in some ways. I just want to be normal.
That’s a very good insight of yours. Your article was very helpful. Indeed. 🙂
thanks Natalie! 🙂
Hey, yeah being yourself and loving yourself is so important, then you dont need to fit in or be approved by other people and you can be independent. Keep it up your a source of strength too many :). Maybe dont try to be normal but yourself? whats normal anyway, most people are so vain. I have OCD too and well I dont even call it that anymore I just call it worrying (sick of labels) and yeah Im trying to do less so it looses its hold on me, I might try acceptance again but I think the main thing is to lessen the worry time because I noticed today that I have so many, even the ones which I didnt classify as OCD basically are because if Im worrying about them then thats rumination so my goal is to stop all of them if that makes sense.
Hey, you still got OCD? I think Ive got a grip on mine, Ive made some notes on how Im dealing with it. Basically I dont even call it an anxiety dissorder anymore, I dont actually think I even have OCD, but it doesnt realy matter I probably do but its irrelevent.
What Ive been doing is not doing any CBT because that for me anyway just makes it worse. I might have been doing it wrong but what I was doing was getting the thoughts and then applying the accept and then refuse to reassure part. But it made things much worse and I think why is because it adds more control and the way to best deal with it is to make your own decisions rather than someone elses method which is in affect controlling you. So basically what I do is just whatever I want to do it doesnt matter if I reassure or not, its my call not someone or somthing elses. So basically Im making my own decisions. Also I think by applying a foreign technique to thoughts will only give them more importance.
Im a work in progress too I guess 🙂
@greg I like what you have to say about listening to yourself. I do not have OCD much these days 🙂 very much under control. Stay strong!