ocd

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one year update

its been a year since i started this, so here is what im thinking as of now.

i still use pot nightly. it helps me calm down immensely. i use ativan when i travel or when i really am going crazy and that is still effective.

i recently decided to get therapy. i have indicated in my previous post about CBT, that i had little interest in it, but what changed for me was school. i decided to go back to school to become a psychiatric nurse to help others with ocd. i started community college and from the start to the end of the quarter, i got sick. i got a sinus infection, ear infection, yeast infections, staph infection and a cold. perhaps stress had something to do with it. my ocd got out of hand. it occurred to me that there is no way i can help anyone when i cant even take care of myself. i still have no interest in SSRIs, so therapy seemed like it. shrooms helps so i think ill give that a go again, but im further from calm than i thought.

i found a therapist and man, was she a bitch. she laughed at my stories of panic attacks. she triggered my ocd by a surprising amount of commentary. i found another therapist who i trust so far. i really like him. he diagnosed me with severe ocd and moderate-severe general anxiety disorder. he asked if i wanted to do CBT or ACT. i chose ACT.

first session is tomorrow. my dreams have been fucked up this week. i have hope.

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5 HTP and the Hormonal Therapy Results!

First, the results:

About 5 or 6 months ago I started natural hormonal therapy with natural progesterone cream.  I noticed a dramatic difference that first month.  Not only was my period just 4 days instead of 5, but my PMS was virtually gone.  I got a little scared, wondering if perhaps this was a fluke month, but each sequential month brought similar results, give or take a little PMS.  I mentioned this to my facialist who told me she used to use progesterone but switched to 5 HTP.  I did some research on it and decided to try it…

5 HTP

5 HTP is a naturally occurring amino acid and a precursor to serotonin.  Yes, serotonin, our favorite word!  Cause that’s the thing, for serotonin to pass the blood brain barrier, it needs tryptophan; they’re like buddies.  It is marketed as a mood enhancer, appetite suppressant and a sleep aid.  The first and latter sounded pretty good to me so I gave it a try.  My period showed up ten days early and things felt totally off.  I realized that in taking progesterone and 5 HTP I was elevating the progesterone levels too much.  I stopped taking the progesterone and am now just taking 5 HTP and things are much better.  I do find it to help, unlike St. John’s Wort which does nothing for me.  And unlike certain herbal supplements that relax you like chamomile tea, I actually notice a huge difference.  It took about a week to notice a change and the days where I don’t take it, I can tell.  It makes me less anxious and helps me to fall asleep.

The moral of the story is that if you are taking birth control or other forms of HT, then maybe you shouldn’t take 5 HTP.   Other than that, it helps with my mood and sleep.

*NOTE*

I am off 5HTP and back on progesterone.  The daily benefits of 5HTP were nice, but my menstrual cycle went back to its usual PMS before when I wasn’t taking anything.  Since my period is a great source of my OCD I decided to ditch the 5HTP and do the progesterone again.

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OCD…can’t sleep

Since childhood, falling asleep has not been easy.

I dread going to sleep.  When I was little, I stayed up quietly in my room past my bed time; sometimes playing or sometimes adjusting the closet door to allow the perfect amount of light to come in.  My mom would drop me off for a sleep over at a friend’s house and I would phone her to pick me up as soon as it was time for bed.  During jr high and highschool I got into spiritual stuff, reading metaphysical books and such, and every night I would have my siblings come in my room and check for ghosts.  I breathed and said mantras obsessively.

After I moved out to live with my now-husband, sleep got easier, but it’s still a struggle.  He likes to go to bed around 11pm whereas I would rather stay up till 3am.  It seems if I try to go to sleep in the early hours, I just lay there.

I thought maybe I had onset insomnia (having a hard time falling sleep), and this could be the case.

DSPS

I think maybe the problem might actually be Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome.

A circadian rhythm (functions that deal with time like temperature, breathing, kidney function) sleep disorder where a person’s biological clock does not match his/her environmental clock.  I first learned about this when reading about comorbid disorders associated with OCD.  It appears that people with OCD have substantially higher chances of also having DSPS.  I think you’ll see why:

Patients with DSPS are typically unable to fall asleep before 2am and have extreme difficulty waking up early (i.e. 7am).  When it’s time for sleep, the brain and body go through various changes like body temperature decrease, slowed heart rate and all the synchronizations that allow for a person to fall asleep.  They may lay in bed for hours trying to sleep.   Regardless of being exhausted or needing to catch up on sleep, the patient is unable to fall asleep at an earlier time than they are used to.  When sleep is reached, they are usually capable of staying asleep.

I remember driving my mom’s suburban from san diego, ca to phoenix, az to help her move.  We drove all night and hadn’t slept.  I was tired, but went through the day unpacking, and excited that I would probably fall asleep easily that night considering I missed sleep the night before.  Going to bed at 8pm made no difference and I laid there for hours trying to sleep.

The difference between Sleep Onset Insomnia and DSPS is that patients with DSPS are capable of plentiful sleep, just not at early night times and can often easily fall asleep in the morning hours, whereas people with Sleep Onset Insomnia have trouble falling asleep at any time.

I hate going to sleep because I lay there and my brain can run wild.  I think the anxiety keeps my brain stimulated which is perhaps why many people with OCD have sleeping problems.  I hate waking up early; it’s physically painful and sometimes nauseating.

I found this article (unlinkable) which describes the personality profile of DSPS:

There seems to exist a definite psychological profile for patients with DSPS. (1) an excessive defense mechanism that increases nervousness and develops neurosis; (2) a high level of intellectual aspiration with compulsivity that makes the patients feel self-defeated, powerless and disappointed; (3) a tendency to egocentric emotion, inhibition and perseverance. These characteristics may worsen social withdrawal, causing a loss of social cues in synchronizing their circadian rhythm. Thus, the phase shift becomes more difficult and a vicious circle is constituted.

Marijuana is probably the most effective sleep aid for me.  Alcohol just makes me pass out and if I wake up, it is impossible for me to fall back asleep until the early morning.  I never really gave sleeping pills a chance, as I am pretty scared of pharmaceutical drugs and their many possible side effects.  I prefer natural remedies when possible.

*UPDATE

I don’t really know if DSPS is what is wrong with my sleep, but I am at a point where I am less interested in finding a name for what’s wrong and more interested in fixing it.

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OCD Sound Sensitivity

Some sounds annoy me a little, while other sounds drive me batty!  These specific sounds are so annoying, that I get anxious or stressed to the point of agitation and anxiety.

I hate loud chewing, open mouth breathing, kissing sounds (only if it’s one set of lips like someone kissing a hand), dry skin being touched, tapping, leaky faucets and most of all ticking clocks.  I bought the coolest new alarm clock and within minutes of it being on, I took out it’s batteries.  I can’t sleep with any noise.  I think certain sounds bother me because I am already tense and it’s kind of like feeling tense or nervous and having someone poke you on the back repeatedly sending you surges of nervousness.

Being easily irritated to certain sounds is called: Soft Sound Sensitivity and for whatever reason, a lot of people with OCD seem to have it.

Most common sounds that annoy people with this specific sensitivity are: ticking clocks, animals grooming, chewing, tapping, nose whistles, and when people say the “S” sound.  For some people, it causes irritation and anger, while for others it’s more severe and can cause physical side effects like vomiting.

Some people wear ear plugs, but  I’ve never tried that.  If there is a leaky faucet, I fix it or find a way to cover the noise like with a fan.  I don’t use ticking clocks and as far as sounds that are out of my control like mouth breathing, I try to avoid that, plug my ears or drown out the sounds.  Avoidance seems to be the easiest solution for me since the problem is not bothering me all the time.  I get bothered when I hear that stuff, but I don’t hear that stuff all the time, so I can just deal with it.

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Gollum

I sat there watching Lord of the Rings and was a little scared, but I liked the movie.  Gollum looked creepy as he went from bouts of greedy malice to fearfully helpful to torturous inward turmoil.  I didn’t know I had OCD at this time, but the way Gollum grabbed his head while he sat on the ground frustrated by his inner voices freaked me out to no end.  I was taken aback by how much I felt like him.  I knew I didn’t have schizophrenia which he seemed to sort of resemble having, but I recognized that grinding hold he put with his fingers to his forehead, covering his eyes, trying to control his thoughts with his hands.  It’s been a symbol that I think about every once in a while.  It’s the sort of thing that comforts me, while at the same time bothering me.  When I start to break down, I grab my head like Gollum does.

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I am so indecisive…or it’s my OCD

Indecision has plagued me and driven those around me mad my whole life.  Decisions like what to eat for dinner or which shoe to wear take painstakingly long and cause marked anxiety.  I sometimes get so anxious in trying to make a trivial decision, I end up frustrated, stressed and occasionally just refuse to make the decision.

I recently read an article that shed some light on this frustrating trait and helped me to learn that indecision in an OCD sufferer can be a symptom of OCD.

Dr. Charles Raison writes:

Although many people with OCD do primarily manifest classic symptoms such as fear of contamination, a need to count or a need for things to be symmetrical, it is just as common for individuals with OCD to suffer most from symptoms that are less well-known, none of which is more common than indecision. And indecision is always at its worst when the patient is presented with two options that are equally desirable.

Seriously!?  It’s my brain again!?  Bitter sweet because it’s not my fault or a flaw in my character, but I guess this also means it’s not so easy to change, but I suppose I knew that part already.

Indecision is a symptom in its own right and doesn’t need any additional obsessional content about bad things happening if the wrong decision is made. It’s not the outcome that bothers patients as much as the raw problem of a making a choice.

In this, as in almost everything, people with OCD are suffering from a truth of the world that most of us ignore: in this case that every decision requires that we give up the choice we didn’t make.

It’s difficult to explain why decision making is so hard especially when the choice at hand is over something so simple where either outcome would seemingly be fine.

So, this goes on my list of attributes that are not my fault and that I may not be able to change, but it is my philosophy that one must make the best of things.  Accept it, but make it work or at least practice ways to deal with it.  I know this will most likely be a life long struggle, but knowledge brings clarity and clarity is the start to solving problems.

Click here to watch my video post about indecision on my youtube channel.

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Does OCD Go Away?

I have had OCD my whole life; in fact I really can’t imagine life without it.  As my previous posts state, things are mostly under control, but it’s still a part of me.  Some people, however get OCD later in life.  Most researchers say that this is not a sudden affliction, but rather something has triggered what was always there.  I recently came across an article about a book called, Saving Sammy, that details the story of a mother whose child suddenly experiences OCD symptoms at age ten.  He is later cured after a year of antibiotics when they learn of his strep (PANDAS).

These “triggers” that set off OCD always seem to involve a stressful event or situation like pregnancy, divorce, moving, college, etc…

I think for some people OCD can go away, but for others it can be there for life.  I don’t feel one way about this or the other because really, whether OCD is in me or out, I will strive to make the best of my situation.

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Overvalued Ideas: This could be tricky…

I am one of those OCD sufferers to have covert and overt compulsions, meaning some of my compulsions manifest physically while others are in my head, like mental counting.  This makes me think that CBT therapy may not be so helpful for me since the psychologist much of the time monitors the patient during an exposure.  Additionally, some things I fear that cause my anxiety are not easily proven wrong, like my fears of the paranormal.  So, how do I really let this stuff go?

I came across a very interesting excerpt from O’Dwyer, Anne-Marie Carter, Obsessive–compulsive disorder and delusions revisited, The British Journal of Psychiatry (2000) 176: 281-284 that discuss some of this:

Some OCD sufferers exhibit what is known as overvalued ideas. In such cases, the person with OCD will truly be uncertain whether the fears that cause them to perform their compulsions are irrational or not. After some discussion, it is possible to convince the individual that their fears may be unfounded. It may be more difficult to do ERP therapy on such patients, because they may be, at least initially, unwilling to cooperate. For this reason OCD has often been likened to a disease of pathological doubt, in which the sufferer, while not usually delusional, is often unable to realize fully what sorts of dreaded events are reasonably possible and which are not. There are severe cases when the sufferer has an unshakeable belief within the context of OCD which is difficult to differentiate from psychosis.

Sometimes after I fly into what I call a blind panic, I look back and feel like I was delusional.  I also feel lately that my memory is quite poor, and I have to wonder if this is my fault.  In trying to let go of obsessions, I feel like I may have sort of trained my mind to forget in general.  I feel like this is probably extreme, but OCD makes me feel like any emotional pain could lead to awful anxiety and so I try to avoid it.

I am now trying to learn that not all anxiety is bad and feeling some discomfort is probably ok, but at the same time, not beat myself up during this process.

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Hypochondria and OCD

Comorbidity (the presence of one or more disorders) is very common among people suffering from OCD.   Some of these other disorders that can affect those with OCD include the following:

  • generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)
  • eating disorders
  • social anxiety disorder
  • Tourette syndrome
  • Asperger syndrome
  • compulsive skin picking
  • body dysmorphic disorder
  • trichotillomania
  • panic attacks
  • depression
  • hypochondria

I love House M.D., reading about different pharmacological drugs, looking up diseases…Every time I get sick with a cold symptom, I look up all the possible diseases it could be.  When I had health insurance, I visited my doctor multiple times a week.  I knew the staff, the tests, the drugs; I very rarely needed anything explained to me, but I always asked a million questions about the possible side effects and such.

I recently got food poisoning, but before I knew what it was, I laid there in my bed, feeling nauseous until l flew into a blind panic, hysterically crying thinking my liver was failing and that I was going to die.  My husband reassured me that I was not dying and we went to the hospital where I was diagnosed, treated and discharged.  I was given a very strong pain killer of which I had never heard, and of course bothered me.  I slept for a week, but now I’m fine and writing this post.

It makes sense that people with OCD can also have other disorders, especially since they all seem to revolve around anxiety.  What I have done to help with this particular disorder is to stop looking up diseases.  As much as I want to, I don’t.  It’s like an addiction, but I know if do, it can lead me down a road of worry.  I still watch House M.D., but with the understanding that the medical mysteries on the show are highly unlikely to occur.  If I or my cats are ever sick or showing symptoms (not life threatening), I wait for three days to monitor, before I see a doctor.  Following this rule really helps because it keeps me in order.

Hypochondria to me feels like a time bomb.  The more I feed the addiction of reading about diseases, the more I worry about what could be wrong with me.  When I get sick, I usually panic, but I do my best to stay healthy by eating organically, learning relaxation techniques and by walking (I’m not much of an exercise person).

Health can be a tricky thing.  It can be overwhelming to try to be healthy and to avoid sickness, but what helps me is to do things that make me happy and not things that promote worry.