Author: me

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The Letter Project

I got this idea and it’s been working so I am going to share it with you here.  

Although my OCD is mostly gone, I still have trouble dealing with the ups and downs of life.  The maladaptive coping strategies I used to deal with my OCD are so ingrained, that when something uncomfortable comes up, I fall right back into using one of those techniques.  Some of these maladaptive coping techniques I am referring to would include drinking, self medicating and other forms of escapism, panic, catastrophizing. isolating and avoidance, etc.  I learned some healthy strategies to handle stress like exercising and journaling which did help a lot, but sometimes I just did my “tried and true”.  I want to be healthy, but sometimes my self-limiting thoughts really get in the way (“I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy, etc”) and it’s not easy to push myself to journal or go workout.  The problem with the “tried and true” less healthy ways to handle stress is that often times, the problems did not get fixed and I would stay depressed for a while noticing the self-esteem falling further.  

After a pretty scary event, I decided it was time (again) to get serious about restructuring things.   It hit me!  And this is when I came up with what I call “the Letter Project”.  Each day, I would write a letter to myself.  The letter would be written from a vulnerable part of myself like the part of me that’s afraid to cry or the part of me that’s afraid I can’t handle things.  The next time I felt anxious and maybe temped to self medicate or something, the deal would be that I would first have to read all these letters (which is not something I want to do because it has been a bit emotional to write them) and still think it would be a good idea to do whatever I had in mind.  I have been writing letters for about two months and so far I have been successful at employing healthy coping strategies to deal with stress.  

I am giving a sense of expression to the small vulnerabilities that I normally try to suppress. It is not easy as with OCD, the norm has been to get far away from discomfort because that small sense of unease might rapidly turn into a spike.  These healthy habits I am creating are teaching me that a little discomfort will happen, is normal, usually do not have to turn into more,  and will pass.

Learning to be more accepting of yourself and what makes you vulnerable is not easy, but we are fighters!  Commit to not quitting and know that you can do this.

 

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Shame and OCD

OCD can make us feel self-conscious, embarrassed, depressed, confused, sad, angry and ashamed.  For as long as I can remember, I have felt so much anger toward myself. Anger for thinking my thoughts and for being this OCD girl.  I felt unworthy of the happiness that other people kept saying we all deserved.  I still do sometimes.  I’d say “maybe some people deserve happiness, but I don’t!”

At some point, I started to believe that I didn’t do anything wrong to bring this OCD burden on myself, but I still couldn’t shake the idea that for some reason, I deserved it and I continued to feel so much shame.

The difference between guilt and shame can be most simply distinguished as (guilt-)“I did something bad” vs. (shame-)“I am bad”.  I felt so guilty for having my obsessive thoughts and so ashamed for who I was.  Ashamed to be this girl with this fucked up brain.  And because of this shame, being vulnerable was something I really tried to avoid.  If I couldn’t accept who I was, how could anyone else?

MY OCD symptoms have diminished by a whole lot, but the shame is still there.  A therapist suggested I watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o

It’s TEDTalk on vulnerability by Brene Brown, a researcher who studies shame.  Watch it!  I have seen this now a few times and there are some powerful messages there. 

Letting go of shame is so important.  We need to give ourselves a break and a chance to feel vulnerable.  It’s with vulnerability that we give others a chance to see who we are.  Wait!  Trust me, it’s not without great hesitation that I write this.  Feeling vulnerable is super scary, but learning to accept ourselves is so important. 

Just because we have OCD does not mean we are bad people.  I know, I know, I can say that, but believing it is another thing.  I guess I need to start believing some of this stuff 🙂 

Like in this image that my good friend, Drew Renaud, made.  🙂

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WAIT!!! A Letter of Compassion

I wrote a letter to myself. A letter to read when I get the urge to cut. Sometimes when we are desperate, sad and panicked, it’s easy to forget what we have learned to combat our OCD or other mental ailment. I wanted to share this letter.

WAIT!!!

Before you cut, remember you will feel better in the morning. Remember that although it would feel good right now, it won’t help you to feel better later.

This is the small part of you talking, asking to be heard. Asking for a chance. The small part that doesn’t want anymore scars, that wonders and hopes for a better life.

Remember that you want to move forward. That you want to wear swimsuits without fear.

Remember that this path is hard, but one you have never really tried, and it’s worth a shot to see if life will improve.

Remember to not feel ashamed of your past, to let it go and to experience the moment.

The biggest gift you can give yourself right now is a chance. Even if you think you don’t deserve it right now, give yourself a real chance because you deserve to try it. A chance at love, beautiful friendships, an fulfilling career, and pushing yourself. Give yourself a chance to heal.

WAIT!!!

Yes, the cravings are near unbearable, but teach yourself to live in the unpleasant present so you can be what you are meant to be…a healer, a lover, a fighter, a writer and a strong woman.

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Why I Can’t Fall In Love

We all seem to refer to OCD as a separate entity; one that is part of us, but held as far away from us as possible.  It’s unlikeable, unpleasant, challenging and uncomfortable to say the very, very least.  I called this OCD-part of me my “evil brain”.  I learned that science had backed this connection I made of OCD/brain when study after study found the serotonin link; telling us that OCD was in fact a problem with chemicals in the brain.

Chemicals!

I am deeply afraid of chemicals.  I use vinegar to clean instead of harsh chemicals, I eat organically to avoid artificial whatever, and avoid pharmaceuticals if at all possible.  And, yes, I am a hypocrite.  A girl afraid of advil, but alcohol and painkillers…no problem!

But, the hypocrisy has a rational basis, because what I think I’m really afraid of is the uncontrollable chemical responses.  The anxiety that comes from the obsessive thoughts that pop in my head, the shame from the compulsive behavior that I didn’t notice start to become pattern, the hypochondria induced panic from the bad reaction to an antibiotic, and the unfamiliar uncertainty of love.

It struck me today like lightning punching through a dark ocean.  Those of you who have read my blog know that I am divorced.  It was a tough time, but the hard part was recreating a life, not so much the loss of a love, because the truth is I never loved him.  He was my best friend, which is why I married him.  Until him, all of my relationships had been incredibly short lived.  We’re talking three months tops.  It seemed odd to me that I had such short relationships in my past, yet a seven year long relationship with my ex.  It was not odd though because he was just as emotionally distant as I was.  Sex was almost always without affection or romance and I was always drunk.  Every other person I had a slept with, I did not care about.  I preferred it that way because emotions really scare me.  Why wouldn’t they?  After all, anxiety is the main emotion I had experienced so trusting myself was not an option.
 Letting myself be vulnerable, open, to fall in love, was not an option.

love tattoo

So, back to today.  My OCD has been under serious control from about a year and my first crush happened today.  At first, I felt elated and all the flowery things that come with a crush, but this feeling was followed by uncertainty and panic.  Of course, I know that feelings of uncertainty are normal, but as someone with OCD for most of my life, the tolerance to uncertainty and lack of control is not very good.  This low tolerance makes me defensive and I try to get rid of the feelings.  I try so hard to get rid of the feelings that create any sense of vulnerability and so far I have been successful.  The price I pay is that I have never been in real love before.

Fear really is a powerful thing and so much of my life has been utterly ruled by it.  I do hope to let go of that fear and fall in love someday.  If my inability to get close to someone is based on this fear like I believe it is, then my prescription for love will be to continue practicing acceptance, to be honest with myself and others and most importantly…..baby steps!

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OCD and Addiction

OCD is a monster. One that we feel we must constantly keep pacified out of fear that the next spike will be unbearable. My OCD is mostly gone, save a few bad days and irritating moments, but I kind of appreciate those moments because they never let me take for granted what I now have. The OCD is mostly in remission, but the habits I developed to deal with it are still around. In my desperate attempts to escape, I developed a problem with addiction, which is now the new monster I am fighting.

Drugs is a controversial topic and one I have been shying away from, but many of us know the unpleasant stigma of mental illness and I think the only way we can get rid of that is to speak the truth. I know there are many others out there struggling with their OCD and hiding their addictions, which is why I am also choosing to discuss this; because it is when we suffer alone that we truly suffer.

I began to treat myself before I knew I had OCD. I was not diagnosed until I was 21. In my teen years I developed an eating disorder. It had nothing to do with body image, but entirely about control and escaping my emotional discomfort. I think the most important thing a lot of people misunderstand about eating disorders like Anorexia and Bulimia is that they are anxiety disorders, not issues concerning low self-esteem.

I deprived myself of food to induce stomach aches which would distract me from my racing and obsessive thoughts. After it was getting out of hand, I started smoking weed. Every night, it put me to sleep, for years. Then, one fateful day in hte hospital, I was prescribed Ativan for my rapid heartbeat, which I explained was normal due to my anxiety. I started taking the drug every day because it made me feel “normal”, but I became dependent on it and the side effects were so awful I decided to get off of it. I did this safely.

I replaced Ativan with narcotics, sex, drinking and cutting. To me, it didn’t matter what the vice was, as long as it was something that changed how I felt. The one thing all these vices had in common was that they all altered my mental state, but lead me to a crash the following day.

I had gotten so used to escaping my feelings and running at the first sight of OCD or discomfort, I stopped feeling anything… anything bad, anything good. And trust me, the thought of feeling numb sounded pretty fucking good, but it wasn’t numb, it was just kinda down all the time. No joy, no color, no vibrance, just gloom.

Therapy has helped me tremendously to learn how to not only tolerate my emotions, but to accept them. I realized that my use of drugs and such was because I didn’t know any coping skills for feeling emotions, and feeling emotions was and still is scary.

Drugs still have a place in my life, like once in a great while when I am really anxious because of traveling or something, then I do take an anxiety pill, but other than that I am learning to deal with my emotions and such without self medicating.

The complication for me was that my need to compulse and need to use drugs or alcohol got intertwined (like when I cut) sometimes I felt like stopping, but my OCD brain felt like the number of times I cut was wrong, so I would cut more than I wanted to. It was weird to lose control doing what I started to do because I thought it gave me a sense of control.

The addiction monster and OCD monster can feel the same, but what I’ve discovered to help both is learning to accept myself and learning how to deal with emotions. I have also learned that when the need to cut or use comes up or the need to compulse comes up, I take a deep breath, remember what I learned in therapy like journaling, and most of the time I get through it, and the more times I get through it, the more I learn I can get through it.

If you struggle with addiction or OCD or both, you are not alone. Please seek help if you want it, because you can get through both if you want to. Stay strong.