I started this blog as a way to figure out OCD and beat it. I wanted to connect and help others share in a collective voice so we could feel a little less alone. That is still my priority, which is why I took so long to write this because so much has changed and I didn’t know how to take it. Here goes.
A year ago, I gave a TED talk which was amazing! I left the stage to be treated by a psychologist from Harvard. She said that she didn’t think I had OCD. Ugh…..WHAT??
No, she thought I had OCD, but another more umbrella style diagnosis to account for the symptoms that never went away. It’s true, I never ended my talk with “happily ever after” but that was never the point. My OCD cleared up, but my self-harm, fear of rejection, lack of sense of self, intolerance of intimacy, and substance abuse were just as bad as ever. After a lengthy talk she referred me to a therapist in town for a full evaluation, and for the third time, I got diagnosed with something just as stigmatizing as OCD…
Borderline Personality Disorder.
Except it made sense this time. Not good. I had seen enough movies to know how everyone saw the “psycho borderline girl”. How could I tell anyone? Who would ever date me? How can I write my blog now?
So, I completed a year of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, and I feel ready share it. And although it was a surprise, it made too much sense, just the way OCD made sense when I was diagnosed. I am a whole lot of diagnoses, but a lot else too. But the truth is that I have come a long way, and after getting the right treatment, I feel better.
My OCD is mostly asymptomatic, self-harm is not in the picture, fear of rejection is in a healthy perspecitve, and intimacy is now comfortable. That’s right! 🙂
I love this blog because I still strive to nurture a space where people with OCD and anxiety can participate in a voice, and feel a little less lonely. I have some topics I am eager to discuss like POCD and maybe even Borderline, and happy to make a video about anything anyone else wants.
Stay tuned, but more importantly, stay strong 🙂
I may have said this before, but I learn so much from what you have to share. Thank you for opening your life and heart to us all. You are amazing.
Thanks Nicky 🙂
I have been reading up on Borderline Personality Disorder, and perhaps the OCD that you experienced in the past was a comorbid disorder that may have been exacerbated by the BPD that you experienced.
Regardless, and as you mentioned above, you are much more than whatever diagnosis you may or may not have, and your journey is a journey of discovery and a journey of healing and growth. I think that your experiences and what you have learned will help you become an even more compassionate and empathetic doctor and medical practitioner.
I am looking forward to reading your future posts in your journey of self-discovery.
Thanks Nicky!! I always enjoy reading your comments and I think you are right about the comorbidity! Makes total sense to me.
I know what you mean. I believe my dad has some form of BPD. He has been in the past a very harmful and toxic person to me although that has changed a lot and we do get along better now (but he is still impulsive and he doesn’t take out his mood swings out on me like he used to, but still gets super angry at the drop of a hat) The very fact that you have the ability to see this disorder is 90% of the battle since denial is usually one of the biggest issues with getting treatment (at least I have found). Good luck.