I started this blog as a way to figure out OCD and beat it. I wanted to connect and help others share in a collective voice so we could feel a little less alone. That is still my priority, which is why I took so long to write this because so much has changed and I didn’t know how to take it. Here goes.
A year ago, I gave a TED talk which was amazing! I left the stage to be treated by a psychologist from Harvard. She said that she didn’t think I had OCD. Ugh…..WHAT??
No, she thought I had OCD, but another more umbrella style diagnosis to account for the symptoms that never went away. It’s true, I never ended my talk with “happily ever after” but that was never the point. My OCD cleared up, but my self-harm, fear of rejection, lack of sense of self, intolerance of intimacy, and substance abuse were just as bad as ever. After a lengthy talk she referred me to a therapist in town for a full evaluation, and for the third time, I got diagnosed with something just as stigmatizing as OCD…
Borderline Personality Disorder.
Except it made sense this time. Not good. I had seen enough movies to know how everyone saw the “psycho borderline girl”. How could I tell anyone? Who would ever date me? How can I write my blog now?
So, it’s been a year of therapy, and I feel ready to say it. And although it was a surprise, it made too much sense, just the way OCD made sense when I was diagnosed. I am a whole lot of diagnoses, but a lot else too. But the truth is that I have come a long way!
My OCD is mostly asymptomatic, self-harm is not in the picture, fear of rejection is in a healthy perspecitve, and intimacy is now comfortable.
I love this blog because I still strive to nurture a space where people with OCD and anxiety can participate in a voice, and feel a little less lonely. I have some topics I am eager to discuss like POCD and maybe even Borderline, and happy to make a video about anything anyone else wants.
Stay tuned, but more importantly, stay strong 🙂