My brain is a burden to me so how could it not be a burden to those closest? People tell me to call them when I’m struggling, and even I have said that we don’t need to suffer alone, but picking up that phone seems impossible. The idea of letting people IN when I’m trying to get OUT terrifies me; like a tsunami, we should all be running the other way.
It’s been one of those weeks where it’s pouring and I’m waiting for the locusts. I felt alone, pummeled and emotionally exhausted, but I am one to downplay things, and brush them off, so I have been dealing with it mostly alone.
One of my best friends said “people who love you feel worse when they know you are hurting and you don’t let them help”. I flashed back to the beginning of when I was first married and how much I hated when my (ex)husband shut down emotionally and kicked me out. So angry and quiet, and I was left to wonder what was wrong, helpless. I certainly don’t want to make anyone feel locked out.
So while I want to run away, maybe others are not as afraid of my brain as I am.
If you have people who are willing to help you, take it! They just want to help. Part of the goal of OCD is to make you feel alone and want to just crawl up into your brain and suffer alone. Once you let out something that’s bothering you and let it out there it loses a lot of its power. You are not your brain. You are not OCD. Don’t do this alone. You are not a burden!