I cried in therapy today discussing how I wished I didn’t still get the urge to cut. I wanted it to be a distant part of my past, like the days when my OCD was at its worst. He asked if my OCD was gone and I said it was mostly, but not entirely. He told me:
“It will always be a part of you.”
I feel like for the first time I can accept who I am now, but my history of OCD and self harm and all that…that’s a different story. I wish I could extract it from my life like it never happened. My therapist said
“How could you cut off a limb and not expect that to still affect you in some way?”
His point being that my past is not some attacker that I managed to destroy and walk away from, but rather its a set of experiences that lead me to who I am now, a person I am happy to be. And, wether I like it or not, the OCD is always going to be a part of me.
I have managed to employ strategies that are very helpful in keeping me from cutting. One thing I do is write a word (“Strength”) on my arm. It helps me to feel like I’m marking my body in some way and the word is a mantra for me when I start to feel wilted. I am so glad I have been doing so well not cutting, but I am upset the urge keeps bugging me. My therapist addressed this too, saying how practicing self harm for so many years, how could I expect everything to change overnight and isn’t the self anger what provoked my self harm anyways?
I am continuing to practice abstaining from harming myself and this week, the new thing I am working at is accepting my past as well as accepting that the urge to cut is going to be around for a while and me getting angry at myself for that is not going to help. One day at a time.