HOCD – Horrified to be gay (or straight).

I was trying to explain what this was like to a friend the other day, and it was a bit challenging.  Not only was I trying to simply define the term, I was trying to explain how I figured out I was bisexual despite my obsessions.  I came across this article that I’m not going to even try to sum up because it is THAT GOOD.

Click here to read “Sexual Orientation OCD, aka HOCD / Gay OCD – Part 1” by John Hershfield of the OCD Center, LA.

I learned a lot about myself from this piece and hope others find some interest as well.

OCD…can’t sleep

Since childhood, falling asleep has not been easy.

I dread going to sleep.  When I was little, I stayed up quietly in my room past my bed time; sometimes playing or sometimes adjusting the closet door to allow the perfect amount of light to come in.  My mom would drop me off for a sleep over at a friend’s house and I would phone her to pick me up as soon as it was time for bed.  During jr high and highschool I got into spiritual stuff, reading metaphysical books and such, and every night I would have my siblings come in my room and check for ghosts.  I breathed and said mantras obsessively.

After I moved out to live with my now-husband, sleep got easier, but it’s still a struggle.  He likes to go to bed around 11pm whereas I would rather stay up till 3am.  It seems if I try to go to sleep in the early hours, I just lay there.

I thought maybe I had onset insomnia (having a hard time falling sleep), and this could be the case.


I think maybe the problem might actually be Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome.

A circadian rhythm (functions that deal with time like temperature, breathing, kidney function) sleep disorder where a person’s biological clock does not match his/her environmental clock.  I first learned about this when reading about comorbid disorders associated with OCD.  It appears that people with OCD have substantially higher chances of also having DSPS.  I think you’ll see why:

Patients with DSPS are typically unable to fall asleep before 2am and have extreme difficulty waking up early (i.e. 7am).  When it’s time for sleep, the brain and body go through various changes like body temperature decrease, slowed heart rate and all the synchronizations that allow for a person to fall asleep.  They may lay in bed for hours trying to sleep.   Regardless of being exhausted or needing to catch up on sleep, the patient is unable to fall asleep at an earlier time than they are used to.  When sleep is reached, they are usually capable of staying asleep.

I remember driving my mom’s suburban from san diego, ca to phoenix, az to help her move.  We drove all night and hadn’t slept.  I was tired, but went through the day unpacking, and excited that I would probably fall asleep easily that night considering I missed sleep the night before.  Going to bed at 8pm made no difference and I laid there for hours trying to sleep.

The difference between Sleep Onset Insomnia and DSPS is that patients with DSPS are capable of plentiful sleep, just not at early night times and can often easily fall asleep in the morning hours, whereas people with Sleep Onset Insomnia have trouble falling asleep at any time.

I hate going to sleep because I lay there and my brain can run wild.  I think the anxiety keeps my brain stimulated which is perhaps why many people with OCD have sleeping problems.  I hate waking up early; it’s physically painful and sometimes nauseating.

I found this article (unlinkable) which describes the personality profile of DSPS:

There seems to exist a definite psychological profile for patients with DSPS. (1) an excessive defense mechanism that increases nervousness and develops neurosis; (2) a high level of intellectual aspiration with compulsivity that makes the patients feel self-defeated, powerless and disappointed; (3) a tendency to egocentric emotion, inhibition and perseverance. These characteristics may worsen social withdrawal, causing a loss of social cues in synchronizing their circadian rhythm. Thus, the phase shift becomes more difficult and a vicious circle is constituted.

Marijuana is probably the most effective sleep aid for me.  Alcohol just makes me pass out and if I wake up, it is impossible for me to fall back asleep until the early morning.  I never really gave sleeping pills a chance, as I am pretty scared of pharmaceutical drugs and their many possible side effects.  I prefer natural remedies when possible.


I don’t really know if DSPS is what is wrong with my sleep, but I am at a point where I am less interested in finding a name for what’s wrong and more interested in fixing it.

OCD Sound Sensitivity

Some sounds annoy me a little, while other sounds drive me batty!  These specific sounds are so annoying, that I get anxious or stressed to the point of agitation and anxiety.

I hate loud chewing, open mouth breathing, kissing sounds (only if it’s one set of lips like someone kissing a hand), dry skin being touched, tapping, leaky faucets and most of all ticking clocks.  I bought the coolest new alarm clock and within minutes of it being on, I took out it’s batteries.  I can’t sleep with any noise.  I think certain sounds bother me because I am already tense and it’s kind of like feeling tense or nervous and having someone poke you on the back repeatedly sending you surges of nervousness.

Being easily irritated to certain sounds is called: Soft Sound Sensitivity and for whatever reason, a lot of people with OCD seem to have it.

Most common sounds that annoy people with this specific sensitivity are: ticking clocks, animals grooming, chewing, tapping, nose whistles, and when people say the “S” sound.  For some people, it causes irritation and anger, while for others it’s more severe and can cause physical side effects like vomiting.

Some people wear ear plugs, but  I’ve never tried that.  If there is a leaky faucet, I fix it or find a way to cover the noise like with a fan.  I don’t use ticking clocks and as far as sounds that are out of my control like mouth breathing, I try to avoid that, plug my ears or drown out the sounds.  Avoidance seems to be the easiest solution for me since the problem is not bothering me all the time.  I get bothered when I hear that stuff, but I don’t hear that stuff all the time, so I can just deal with it.

Hypochondria and OCD

Comorbidity (the presence of one or more disorders) is very common among people suffering from OCD.   Some of these other disorders that can affect those with OCD include the following:

  • generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)
  • eating disorders
  • social anxiety disorder
  • Tourette syndrome
  • Asperger syndrome
  • compulsive skin picking
  • body dysmorphic disorder
  • trichotillomania
  • panic attacks
  • depression
  • hypochondria

I love House M.D., reading about different pharmacological drugs, looking up diseases…Every time I get sick with a cold symptom, I look up all the possible diseases it could be.  When I had health insurance, I visited my doctor multiple times a week.  I knew the staff, the tests, the drugs; I very rarely needed anything explained to me, but I always asked a million questions about the possible side effects and such.

I recently got food poisoning, but before I knew what it was, I laid there in my bed, feeling nauseous until l flew into a blind panic, hysterically crying thinking my liver was failing and that I was going to die.  My husband reassured me that I was not dying and we went to the hospital where I was diagnosed, treated and discharged.  I was given a very strong pain killer of which I had never heard, and of course bothered me.  I slept for a week, but now I’m fine and writing this post.

It makes sense that people with OCD can also have other disorders, especially since they all seem to revolve around anxiety.  What I have done to help with this particular disorder is to stop looking up diseases.  As much as I want to, I don’t.  It’s like an addiction, but I know if do, it can lead me down a road of worry.  I still watch House M.D., but with the understanding that the medical mysteries on the show are highly unlikely to occur.  If I or my cats are ever sick or showing symptoms (not life threatening), I wait for three days to monitor, before I see a doctor.  Following this rule really helps because it keeps me in order.

Hypochondria to me feels like a time bomb.  The more I feed the addiction of reading about diseases, the more I worry about what could be wrong with me.  When I get sick, I usually panic, but I do my best to stay healthy by eating organically, learning relaxation techniques and by walking (I’m not much of an exercise person).

Health can be a tricky thing.  It can be overwhelming to try to be healthy and to avoid sickness, but what helps me is to do things that make me happy and not things that promote worry.