I miss cutting myself. I miss starving, drinking, escaping, depriving myself; anything to talk louder than the OCD brain. Psychotherapy is hard because these coping mechanisms work in the short term. In fact, they work so well in the short term, it’s hard to see exactly how they mold the future.
I turned to self harm because I didn’t know when the anxiety would go away and if I could handle it for the duration. I felt better serving myself because it was distracting from what I was thinking.
And while I miss these old habits, I can safely say that they are old. It really does get easier. Easier to trust that the anxiety dissipates, that sleep helps reboot and that new neural pathways can develop and more serotonin can stick around.
I don’t blame myself for how I got through the OCD. I did what I thought helped. And while I miss the short term relief, I value the confidence I have in myself and the trust I am establishing with my brain.
Don’t give up. Stay strong because it’s a long journey, but it can get better.