Feeling like a Burden

My brain is a burden to me so how could it not be a burden to those closest?  People tell me to call them when I’m struggling, and even I have said that we don’t need to suffer alone, but picking up that phone seems impossible.  The idea of letting people IN when I’m trying to get OUT terrifies me; like a tsunami, we should all be running the other way.

It’s been one of those weeks where it’s pouring and I’m waiting for the locusts.  I felt alone, pummeled and emotionally exhausted, but I am one to downplay things, and brush them off, so I have been dealing with it mostly alone.

So, then.

One of my best friends said “people who love you feel worse when they know you are hurting and you don’t let them help”.  I flashed back to the beginning of when I was first married and how much I hated when my (ex)husband shut down emotionally and kicked me out.  So angry and quiet, and I was left to wonder what was wrong, helpless.  I certainly don’t want to make anyone feel locked out.

So while I want to run away, maybe others are not as afraid of my brain as I am.

Why stay in therapy – Peeling back the layers

I haven’t written in so long due to fear.  But fear aside, I’m ready to share the truth.

My OCD is all but alleviated.  I am reminded rarely, but abruptly every so often when I have an “OCD” moment at how life used to be.  I am shocked by these occurrences at how I used to feel every day for years.  It’s easy to forget the mental torture, because really, why would I want to remember?  But, I do in some ways because I’ll never really fit in completely, and I need to know why.  However, I am in the best place I can be for the next part of my life which is to help other people get better and finally become friends with their bullying minds.

On to the fear part of this.  After the OCD was taken out of my brain, there was a shadow of where it was, and my sense of self was shaken.  I self-harmed more than ever and acted out in many self-destructive ways.  I got back into therapy, wondering what the point was of peeling back these layers of my mind only to find more problems underneath.  Here is why I keep going:

  • Whatever issues I now face, I am more equipped to handle now that I have gotten over OCD
  • There will always be challenges in life
  • The problems I have at this point are not as bad as my OCD

So, while I struggle with a whole new set of cards, I would’t trade them in for my past.  As I have said before, we all have a story that will fluctuate with joys and disappointments and we must commit to not quitting and that commitment doesn’t stop no matter how tough or easy things get.  Keep writing your story, and stay strong.

How “Should” Messes Everything Up

We say “should” all the time, but rarely at the appropriate time.  “Should” indicates responsibility in usually a critical way, and with anxiety disorders and depression, this occurs a lot.

“My life shouldn’t be like this.”

This statement hurts because what it really means is that life and who I am are not ok as they are.  I know OCD doesn’t feel ok, but hear me out. It’s that “I’m wrong and that if I made a different choice or acted another way, than everything would be as it should“.  “Should” makes us feel like we messed up, and what’s worse, if we truly have no or little control, then we are beating ourselves up for a crime we didn’t commit.

When I said this, my therapist asked me how my life should be.  Through the tears, I explained how I never thought I’d be this person.  He asked when I made the choice to get OCD, and I said it wasn’t my choice, and he said “exactly.”  He explained how “Should” was a trap.  Who decides what should and should’t be?  It’s when we feel like things should be a certain way, that we fall into it.

Next time you say “should”, think if it’s really appropriate.  It hurt less to say “I want my life to be different.” because this stems from a real emotion, and begs the question, “how can I improve my emotional state?”

Language can really cause us emotional downs, and here’s another:

“I don’t deserve to be happy”

“Deserve” means you have done something worthy enough to receive something else like happiness, for example.  O no.  I’t’s impossible for a psychologist to talk me out of this one.  They always respond to with “but, everyone deserves to be happy.”  Instinctively I know this is not true.  Evil people don’t deserve happiness, while kind people do, right?  What about people who go through insane trauma; did they not deserve happiness?

In short, no, I don’t deserve to be happy, nor do I deserve to be unhappy.

Wait!

The truth is that sometimes I will feel happy and sometimes I won’t, but that doesn’t reflect who I am.  Most of us strive to be descent people and happiness is not a reward system. Happiness is an emotion that stops by sometimes, and though I feel like it’s unfair that I feel anxious more than I want, it doesn’t mean that I deserve to be unhappy and I shouldn’t believe that it does? ;)